HA!

The HP Weakling Power-Jack Problem!

And no one on the support line claimed to be familiar with this.

F. U. H. P.

Better yet...

F. O. A. D.

If There's Anything UPDATE

The guy next door is having computer problems.

Brand? HP

Model: Desktop, of course. Not a laptop like mine.

Problem? Holes for mouse and keyboard deformed, plugs won't stay in. That's exactly what's wrong with my laptop power cord.

Risk of Electrocution: 0.076923 - as in, it sparks 1 out of every 13 times I try to fix it. I HAVE been electrocuted by these pieces of crap before.

Probability of me buying an HP Computer in the Future: 2.71828*10^^-58, or as most scientists see it, 0.

If There's Anything

If there's ANYTHING I hate more than the New England Patriots or the other Boston sports teams, it's Hewlett Packard. I am NEVER, EVER doing business with that company AGAIN.

Remember that offer? Yeah, neither do they. They're now telling me they said $1249, not $249, over the phone, like it was sort of a misprint, because, as we all know, the numbers 2 and 12 are confusible when you HEAR them. And that's WITHOUT the monitor!

I need a computer with over 100 GB of hard drive space, and preferably over 150, and it does NOT need to be a flat-panel, and in fact, it's probably better off if it is NOT, and I can't pay anything over $599 for it. Similar to the offer I was given, before they tried lowballing me.

Hewlett-Packard has lost one customer. I should have known this would happen when they bought Compaq, who, many years ago, my family ALSO vowed to stop buying the products of.

250th Post! NFL Week 4

I DID manage to commandeer my roommate's computer... for now.

This is my 250th post, according to Blogoger and it's Bloggoggyness.

Looks like a pretty good NFL Week 3 - my predictions wise, anyway. It SUCKED to watch.

Not counting the Monday Night Game (which hasn't happened as of this writing), I went 11-2

Current Sunday (including all non-Monday games) Record: 23-17
Current Monday Record: 0-3

The Bears are off in week 4 - so technically they could be leading the division without lifting a finger at the end of this week.

Best Pick of Week 3: None, really. If Green Bay had won, then that would have been it.

Worst Pick of Week 3: The Giants. And who picked the Steelers? I WANTED the Steelers to win, but I have so little faith in Bill Cowher that I could not pick them. And for it to end on a last second field goal AGAIN...

Week 4 Picks:
Buffalo @ New Orleans - Buffalo
Denver @ Jacksonville - Jacksonville
Detroit @ Tampa Bay - Tampa Bay
Houston @ Cincinnati - Cincinnati (Did I just say 4-0 Bengals?!)
Indianapolis @ Tennessee - Indianapolis
San Diego @ New England - San Diego (calling an upset)
Seattle @ Washington - Seattle. Washington's luck runs out here.
St. Louis @ NY Giants - The Giants
NY Jets @ Baltimore - Baltimore gets their first win.
Dallas @ Oakland - Dallas
Minnesota @ Atlanta - Atlanta
Philadelphia @ Kansas City - KC
San Francisco @ Arizona - SF. Their 2 wins came AGAINST Arizona
Monday: Green Bay @ Carolina - Green Bay does NOT go 0-4, despite my best wishes.

OFF: Chicago, Cleveland, Miami, Pittsburgh (F U, Cowher)

Flash Game

Will someone please send me a link to any flash game where I get to cause great harm and suffering to the members of the New England *cough cough spit* Patriots, and especially Corey F*cking Dillon and Adam F*cking Vinaiteri, as well as "Golden Boy" TB?

Seriously - I have had ENOUGH of those douchebags. Bring back Superbowl XX.

Update: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2173143

THAT only makes it worse.

Compy Problems, Hopefully The Final Chapter

Right when I start hitting a groove with two big days in a row, my computer craps out on me again. I called the company, and basically demanded they deal with the hardware problems intrinsically built into this model computer.

Result? I will be getting a 250 GB hard drive (desktop) for $249. This laptop is about 32 gigabytes. Only problem? I will be computerless for 4 to 6 weeks, unless I can comandeer my roommate's computer.

HP Delenda Est!

Maryland 22, Wake Forest 12

Season's not over yet.

Poor Dog

http://www.weather.com/blog/weather/8_7549.html?from=blog_permalink_mainindex - This proves it. I could have SWORN I saw that yesterday, but convinced myself that I had imagined it. Looks like it DID happen.

Guess Who's Coming To Campus!

http://www.inform.umd.edu/UMCP_Today/Important_Notices/FYI/archive/2005.09.21.html#3

That's right, "Peace Mom" Cindy Sheehan!

Evil Glenn vs. Karl Rove, An Explanation

It seems as though my few readers are confused about the whole Filthy Lie saga I've got going with Evil Glenn and Karl Rove here.

Of course, it involves Filthy Lies, and it involves IMAO.

There is one thing that continually irks me about IMAO. I know there's no plot or ANYTHING to the majority of the posts, but over the years, we've seen Hillary Clinton, Karl Rove, Satan, and Glenn Reynolds each as the incarnation of evil du jour.

So I'm fixing that here with the two most commonly cited forces of evil. Only one will make it out with their evil in tact. Who will it be?

Error Code 29

Logging on to the internet both yesterday and today, this is the message I recieved.

"Error logging into AIM: Error code 29: We think this means the AIM/ICQ servers are sick of seeing connections from your IP address. Wait a few minutes and try again."

For a machine, that's rather opinionated, don't you think?

And I noticed that I got lots of hits yesterday, but when I went to write a new post, Blogger buggered out on me - like Bluggered. I figured as much.

Second Chances, Part III

Second verse, same as the first.

One little change in the past changes the future to an extent to which it becomes nearly unrecognizable, and the directions you've been given are almost impossible to follow.

But still you trek on with your faded instructions, hoping that this time, things turn out the way that they should have the first time you did this, so many moons ago.

Even though several months are ahead before the fruits of your labor ripen, you remain optimistic that the one screw-up you made today didn't cost you everything accomplished up to this point.

A friendship made in the past and broken, yet necessary for the future. Don't ruin it.

NFL Week 3

Current record: 13-19, after a 5-11 week 2.

I am 12-16 on Sundays, and 0-3 on Mondays.

Best Pick of Week 2: The Bengals. Dang.
Worst Pick of Week 2: Baltimore. What the hell is up with that team?
Fluke: Washington. Two wins by three points? Who are they - the Patriots?

Predictions for Week 3

Atlanta v. Buffalo - Atlanta
Cincinnati v. Chicago - Cincinnati (Game of the Week)
Tampa Bay v. Green Bay - Green Bay (I don't see an 0-3 Packers squad)
Cleveland v. Indianapolis - Indianapolis
Carolina v. Miami - Miami
New Orleans v. Minnesota - Minnesota
Jacksonville v. NY Jets - Jacksonville
Oakland v. Philadelphia - The Iggles
Tennessee v. St. Louis - St. Louis
Dallas v. San Francisco - Dallas (Remember when this game meant something?)
Arizona v. Seattle - Seattle
New England v. Pittsburgh - Tom Brady's F*cking A-holes. (GOTW II)
NY Giants v. San Diego - NY Giants

Monday: Kansas City vs. Denver - Goin with KC on this one.

The Right: Offendable?

According to anonymous sources, the University of Maryland marching band will be removing "American Idiot" from future shows due to complaints. I thought we righties were supposed to unoffendable. I mean, it's not like there's LYRICS or anything in the show.

I mean, they didn't complain about the Dave Matthews song, and Dave Matthews sucks.

9/19

YARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

That is all.

Sports N Shizzle

The Bears (38-6), Rockies (7-1), and the Blackhawks (3-o) all managed to eek out a victory today, Sunday, September 18, 2005.

As a matter of fact, these were all blowouts, especially the Bears game-raping of the Lions. After yesterday's Maryland-WVU debacle, this is a much needed breath of fresh air.

The Bears are 1-1, with a 45-15 point differential, and technically in 1st place in the NFC North.

The Blackhawks are 2-0 in the preseason with 4 points and an 8-4 goal differential. They are also in first place in their (preseason) standings.

The Rockies are 61-87 and somehow have yet to be eliminated from the playoff race. (The Padres can finish at worst 74-88, whereas the Rockies can go 75-87). These two teams play each other for the next four days, so it really is a do or die for the Rockies. I believe that 61-87 is the worst record in history for any team not eliminated from the postseason hunt.

The UMD football team is not bowl-bound.

And the New England/Boston F*cking Patriots lost! Boo-yah!

West Virginia 31, Maryland 19

And that's all there is to say about that.

Oh, that and it was freakin' hot in that wool. Seriously.

Life, Liberty, and Property

An e-mail I sent (though I heavily edited it for the blog) Thoughts on the hypotheses?

Recently in one of my classes, we had a discussion about the causes of war and conflict (It was a psychology recitation on aggression). The usual suspects were named - religion, resources, greed, aggression itself, anything that the average left-leaning college student could come up with.

However, while looking over the list after class and going over a list of numerous wars, I realized that I could basically narrow down the causes of the wars we mentioned into three categories, and came up with a hypothesis, poorly worded as I feel it is.

1) Wars are always the result of a desire for life, liberty, property, or a combination thereof.

2) This led me to postulate another statement, which goes as follows: By maximizing liberty and property (and life), we can reduce, if not eliminate war.

------------------Examples--------------------

1) American Civil War - Most southerners viewed it as a war about property. The Union viewed it as a war for liberty, or more specifically, as a war against slavery, anathema to liberty. The correct mindset prevailed.

2) Moslem Conquests of Holy Lands and the Crusades - It was placed under "Religious Warfare" in class discussion, but I feel this can be placed as a war for property, this property being land.

3) World War II - The Axis Powers viewed it as a war for property. The Allied Powers fought against the Axis to maintain liberty, and it eventually became a war for life.

4) Mexican-American War - Basically about property, on both sides.

5) American Revolution - The first war for life, liberty, and property. The founders basically postulated that the three were mutually inclusive.

6) Iraq War - A war for liberty - to give Iraqis freedom they did not have before. Even the raging anti-war protestors believe it is a war for property.

7) Vietnam - The Communists were fighting for property and for what they thought was for life, whereas we were fighting for liberty and life, as we knew what would happen if the North won. Oddly, this is one of the few times where property has triumphed over liberty.
--------------------End Examples-------------

Once again - thoughts?

I REALLY hate Google. Juss Sayin'

How long has Google had an internet browser, and can anyone tell me if it's as evil as everything else that company puts out?

By the way, I know Blogger is owned by Google, and I hate that too.

I would also like my question about IE answered by those of you who insist upon it.

Constitution Day Post III

Amendment IX.

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment X.

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

Amendment IX and Amendment X are often confused with one another, while other times, they are interpreted so they seem to flat-out contradict each other.

IX) Just because something isn't written in the document doesn't mean it doesn't exist. HOWEVER, this does not GIVE any specific extra rights (I'm looking at YOU, right to privacy) - Amendment X makes this more clear.

X) Basically - The United States federal government has no powers other than the ones listed here in the Constitution. Anything not here is subject to the jurisdiction of the states, or the "whims" of the peoples.

I keep mentioning the "Right to Privacy". That's because the phrase annoys the crap out of me. So does D&X, but that's not what the post is about. If 50 states want to outlaw abortion, there is supposed to be nothing in the constitution to prevent that - likewise, if 50 states wish to permit abortion, there is nothing to prevent that - but there is supposed to be no federal mandate on this subject. That's why Roe v Wade is viewed as judicial activism - it's bad law, not because of abortion itself. (Though there are plenty of social conservatives who use the cry of "Judicial Activism!" to push through their pro-life stance) While I don't like abortion, the game that some on the right are playing is quite frankly, immoral in itself. The ends justify the means indeed.

Although access to contraception was based off the R2P (not to be confused with the RoP), if the issue was kicked back to the states, do you REALLY think the populace of ANY state would vote to outlaw contraception? I just cannot see that occurring.

Now quit confusing the 9th and 10th amendments.

Constitution Post II

Amendments II, IV, V

II - "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

While not owning a gun myself, I am of course a gun-rights supporter.

What's that? How can I support the Second Amendment without actually owning a gun yourself? Chickenhawk!

Good point!

IV - "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."

While it does call into question a couple provisions of the PATRIOT Act, this ≠ The Right To Privacy. Just making sure.

V - "No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation."

Yeah, and a big middle finger to New London Connecticut and Amendment V from the Supreme Court. Life, Liberty, and Property? You mean liberté, fraternité, and egalité, right?

Plus it gives no protection to those cases arising in the Air Force. Bastards!

Amendments IX and X coming soon.

Happy Constitution Day!

Ogre celebrated it a day early, but there's certainly nothing wrong with celebrating the Constitution.

I think Bloggrandpa Harvey is still waiting for erm... well, you know where THAT -stitution joke is heading.

We repealed Amendment 18 - is it too late to repeal 16? What about 17?

Oh, and to start, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

Therefore, I cannot possibly be "restricting your first amendment rights" by telling you to shut up.

Random Factoid of the Day, LXXVI

∫ e^x = e^x + c

Instead of doing the math, try pronouncing it as the letters they look like.

Clash of the Titans - Part 3

Part II
Part I
Prologue

Glenn smiled. "Feel pain, Glizzenn! FEEL it! This is what you get for turning your back on ME!"

Glizzenn doubled over, screaming. I don't know how Evil Glenn managed this feat, but it was incredibly impressive, yet terribly frightening. He could probably cause Glizzenn to explode just by thinking it. Like ur-voodoo or something. But why would Glenn do so much damage to someone who was going to help him against Karl Rove?

Glizzenn was panting. Evil Glenn could barely hide his chimpy-esque smirk. "Now, Glizzenn - you know what will happen if you don't follow my orders. I want you to kill Rove to cement my place as the True Evil of the Blogododecahedron!"

Glizzenn stood up and reverted to a robotic manner. "Yes, master. I will do as you command...izzle."

Glizzenn pulled a knife out of his back pocket. "Prepare to go back to the dark world, Rove!"

Rove laughed. "Dark world? Is that a New Orleans joke? It's President Bush that hates black people, not me. I just hate cute animals. So I eat them."

Glizzenn looked confused. "What? I thought President Bush only hated midgets..."

Glizzenn's confusion gave Rove the perfect opportunity to attack. A bright, pulsating red laser flew out from under Rove's cloak and would have went straight through Glizzenn if not for a perfectly timed jump. Instead the beam hit a Wal-Mart and completely demolished the building. Out of the rubble came several dirty, smelly hippies.

"Wha-what was THAT?!" Glizzenn's eyes were bulging. He had never encountered something with such a vile aura before. Even being a clone of Glenn Reynolds wasn't that evil.

"It was a substance that I have been looking into for quite some time... just over two years, in fact. It is more vile than iocane powder, and stronger than kryptonite (even to the stupid) - it is Pure Commie Evil!"

I looked around. Pure Commie Evil? I thought it had been destroyed by the Rumsfeld Strangler... where could Rove have discovered it? China? North Korea? Kofi Annan? This was something I would have to look into, if I lived. Right now I had to deal with a reporteress and her broken leg, as well as a permanently drunken correspondant.

Glizzenn finally got the urge to speak. "Where did you get pure commie evil? It isn't supposed to exist anymore! How?! I thought you were a capitalist! Conservative in every way! What drove you to do this? You MONSTER! I will let you explain yourself. Afterwards, I will show you no mercy."

All Karl Rove could do was laugh. "Bwa ha ha! You really thought that I was fiscally conservative? Oh, sure - Bush and I had the tax cuts, but those were generally for the rich, and more specifically, for HALLIBURTON! Yes... Halliburton... the same company that executed 100,000 Iraqis used their souls as well as their oil, along with precious metal, to create this weapon that I fill with Pure Commie Evil!"

Evil Glenn was looking more perturbed every minute.

"So you see, while it APPEARED that we were conservative in every way, we were secretly setting up a socialist state! Just LOOK what we have done to the budget! The Clintons would be proud! You know, if Bill wasn't my pawn, I mean..."

"What about Hillary?"

"Do NOT mention that name in my presence, Glizzenn. Now, it is time for you to die."

Rove was in front of Glizzenn before I had even blinked. Six quick punches in succession had dropped the clone/robot/streetGlenn to one knee. However, Glizzenn wouldn't give in - he was a robot, after all.

Glizzenn landed a right uppercut to Rove's stomach that pushed him backwards. After springing back to his feet, he launched a white bolt of energy at the dark White House aide. Rove jumped, but it ripped a hole in his cloak and scarred his right knee. He quickly retailated with another blast of PCE^TM, which Glizzenn was able to avoid. The PCE^TM landed in a farmer's field, where it destroyed all the crops.

Lightning lit up the sky as Rove charged Glizzenn once more. They were trading punches four stories up in the air, and Glizzenn was able to prevent Rove from reaching his Commie Gun. It was obvious, however, that Rove had the advantage. He was just too strong for Glizzenn.

"Before you die, I want you to tell me about the Nano-caust. The Nano-Pocalypse. Whatever it was called. What was he talking about? Is there a secret that you two could be hiding from ME? You know I can read minds. However, it does cause the person whose mind I read excruciating pain - so just TELL me."

"I... I don't know! I think Glenn just made it up to confuse the hell out of us!"

"If he confused the Hell out of me, there'd be nothing left, fool. Tell me what the Nanonaqba is!"

"Nano-naqba? You support the Palestinian Cause?!"

"Erm... I thought that was blatantly obvious. Anyway - I want to know. The Nanopocalypse. Explain it!" Rove jammed his hand into Glizzenn's head, causing a flurry of sparks. Glizzenn fell to the ground, incapaciated, where Karl Rove proceeded to punt his head off.

"GLIZZENN!" Dawn started to sob, and I could feel myself crying as well. Louie, obviously noting our sadness, started to bawl uncontrollably. Rove turned in our direction. "You pitiful fools. Where is Evil Glenn Reynolds?"

All four of us were stunned to hear chanting coming from above us. I pulled out my binoculars, and I could make out Evil Glenn hundreds of feet in the air... and he was performing some sort of... dance? Wait... that wasn't just any dance... He was doing the ROBOT! I didn't know what was happening, but the remnants of Glizzenn began to lift off the ground and up towards Glenn. This was quite odd indeed.

An instant later, Louie slammed my head into the ground. "Don't LOOK!" The info didn't get to Rove though. A luminous flash of white light cleared away the clouds and for an instant, blinded all of us. When we could see again, Dawn grabbed my binoculars and looked back up towards the sky.

"My GOD! I don't... don't believe it! He... he's basically absorbed Glizzenn! He's... ROBO-REYNOLDS! Oh, this is too weird!"

For a moment, I thought I saw Karl Rove quake with fear, but before I could mention anything, he flew right at Robo-Reynolds to continue the battle.

Will we find out what the Nanonaqba is? What powers does Robo-Reynolds have? Is there a technical name for this monster? Is Glizzenn gone forever? What will become of him on It's A Pundit?

Find out in Part 4 of the Clash of the Titans: Rove and Reynolds edition!

The Plan

I am in preparation to commit my most unethical act yet, and what could possibly be the most preposterous thing I will ever do. Just a warning.

Weird News

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9355413/ - Yeah. This is Bush's fault by the way. Totally.

Respite From The Clash

Yes, all the humor was to soften you up to read this at The Blue State Conservatives. (h/t Emperor Misha)

If that's true, it's the single most reprehensible thing I've read in the last three years. Not since watching the Palestinians celebrate over the murder of Americans have I been so disgusted (as in infuriated as opposed to grossed out) over a single news article. I would certainly like to see a source other than "Al-Guardian", but you know how it is. It's not even the aborted fetuses that get to me, it's the principle in general.

I have long held a negative view of the People's Republic of China, but this certainly takes the cake. Beijing is execrable, to say the least. But still, we view this nation as somewhat of an ally. Hello - did you forget that they're Communist, W? Seriously - I really think we've hit a new low here. I don't even think Saudi Arabia's done this.*

Wouldn't it be something for a rare skin disease to make its way through the cosmetics? That's it - I'm not saying anything else on the PRC - absolutely despicable.

* Oh, wait - women in Saudi Arabia allowed to wear cosmetics in this fashion? Strike THAT from the record, Johnny ol' boy.

Clash of the Titans, Part 2

Part I

The puppy smoothie certainly seemed to give Glenn a boost. He seemed to be working at double-speed now. He was hitting Karl Rove so many times that I had to stop counting after four seconds. Rove couldn't even get a chance to recite one of his incantations. Evil Glenn's next attack sent Rove flying into our hilltop, demolishing it and sending each of us in a different direction.

Reynolds could only stand back and laugh as the scenery lay in ruins, dust billowing out from the remains of the hill and of my house. Just as to be expected though, Glenn wasn't counting on a vivid beam of red energy being shot at him from the debris. He was able to avoid it in the nick of time, though his cheek was singed by the attack. He was stunned to see Rove emerge, unscathed, from the ruined hill. He also had somehow gained a red cloak and was once again chanting his incantations. The sky began to cloud over and suddenly, the battlefield was silent.

A shot of thunder sliced through the silence. I didn't notice that it had become dark, but it had happened. A flash of lightning allowed me to catch a glimpse of Louie, face down on the ground, still drunk, in the distance. I slowly made my way over to him. Another flash allowed me to see Evil Glenn and Karl Rove continuing their battle hundreds of feet above the Earth. It was like something out of a terrible Japanese movie. It really was.

"Idiot! That's what you are! You'll never be able to contain the power of the Blended Puppy! It has given me immortality!"

"You mistake immortality for immorality, you knave!" Rove began laughing again. "The Book of Punditry foresaw this battle - just as it foresaw the four onlookers below us. He who has the most pure reading of the Book shall be victorious, and by this point, it is obvious it is me! Did you not notice the weather change? Pure Halliburton Weather-Changer 9000!"

"Am I supposed to be intimidated by your speech, Rove? Was I supposed to be terrified by Mother Sheehan? What about Katrina? That part of your Halliburton weather-making scheme as well?" Ignoring Karl's nod, Reynolds continued. "I have an ARMY of clones willing to fight you, just for $#!+$ and giggles. One of your onlookers is my warrior - he may not believe it, and those three other dupes may not believe it, but his essence belongs to ME. I can order him to do all my bidding."

"If that is so, then why did you not have him kill the girl? You realize what's going to occur if you let her live. She may be known by one name now, but she was known by another name in the past. Don't forget - you DID kidnap her twice, yet you failed to kill her. Just like you failed to harm Andrew Sullivan. Just like you failed to win the gold medal in the Frank J. Punching Olympic Event. Just like you failed to exterminate the Joooos. Just like you failed to indoctrinate your students into EVIL!"

"But they have become lawyers!"

"That isn't evil ENOUGH, Glenn."

"How is that not evil ENOUGH? I am Evil Incarnate! Rove, your definition of evil is outdated and quite frankly, just plain silly - quite similar to your definition of marriage, if I do say so myself."

That set Rove off. He fired what looked to be hundreds of fireballs at Evil Glenn, who was able to reflect them all back towards Karl. It started to look like a game of pong. I did my best to avoid the flaming orbs crashing down to the ground, and scrambled my way over to where Glizzenn was. He had managed to get himself up, and was looking oddly rigid. He stood, looking up into the air, and he was mumbling something I could not comprehend. It almost seemed like something out of the mouth of Rove. Creepy.

Glenn and Karl landed about twelve feet from where Louie, Glizzenn, and I were. They both had vile expressions on their faces, and I feared for my life. My thoughts turned away - where the hell was Dawn? She couldn't be - no, I wouldn't allow that to occur. Glizzenn wouldn't allow that to occur. Louie wouldn't allow that to occur after his hangover receded. I motioned for the three of us to head in different directions, but I was cut off.

"Glizzenn." Evil Glenn's voice had lowered in timbre - now instead of lawyer evil, it was simply evil. "You thought you had outsmarted me - joined the good guys. Left the puppy blending forever. You idiot. You can NEVER escape the joys of Instapunditry. The penguins. The hamsters. The puppies. The hobos. The robot dance. You're a robot yourself, you know. Return to me, my creation."

"I will nizzle retizzle to your sizzle, Evil Glenn! You've done so much harm to societizzle. You should never be forgivizzle. The pupizzles you blendizzled... the penguizzle pronizzle. All of it. Fo shizzle, Glenn, I cannizzle join you."

"Glizzenn, you will join me, or you will die. In fact, you will join with me in body and spirit, as we once were, before the nano-pocalypse. Before the Blog War. Karl Rove has challenged me and my throne, and it is an insult to my honor, and yours. You cannot allow Karl Rove to get out of here alive, Glizzenn. It will either be you, or him. Make your choice now."

Glizzenn stammered. "No. I will not fizzle Karl Rovizzle. I just won't do it!"

Rove looked over, and used his shadowy powers to bring Dawn out of nowhere - she was moaning, and she obviously had a broken leg. This was bad. It would, of course, get worse. "Glizzenn - either you fight me, or she dies. I could actually USE a challenge for once. Someone will not get out of here alive - you, me, Glenn, or her. Choose wisely, Glizzenn."

Glizzenn stepped forward. "Put her down. I'll do as you wish."

Will Glizzenn have what it takes to stop Karl Rove? What did Evil Glenn mean by the Nano-pocalypse? Such dark turns. Clash of the Titans, Part 3 coming soon!

NFL Week 2:

For some reason, my Week 1 post was never put onto the website and I never noticed.
Let's review:

Patriots (yecch) vs. Raiders - my pick: Patriots (1-0)
Bears (yay!) vs. Redskins - my pick: Bears (1-1)
Titans vs. Steelers - my pick: Steelers (2-1)
Buccaneers vs. Vikings - my pick: Vikings (2-2)
Broncos vs. Dolphins - my pick: Dolphins (3-2) [best pick]
Jets vs. Chiefs - my pick: Jets (3-3) [worst pick]
Seahawks vs. Jaguars - my pick: Seahawks (3-4)
Bengals vs. Browns - my pick: Bengals (4-4)
Saints vs. Panthers - my pick: Saints (5-4)
Texans vs. Bills - my pick: Bills (6-4)
Rams vs. 49ers - my pick: Rams (6-5)
Cowboys vs. Chargers - my pick: Chargers (6-6)
Cardinals vs. Giants - my pick: Giants (7-6)
Packers vs. Lions - my pick: Packers (7-7)
Colts vs. Ravens - my pick: Colts (8-7)
Eagles vs. Falcons - my pick: Eagles (8-8)

So a .500 week. Certainly I'm going to do better in Week 2. Let's see what's ahead.

New England vs. Carolina - New England
Chicago vs. Detroit - Chicago (they got screwed last year)
Minnesota vs. Cincinnati - Cincinnati (I'll regret this)
Jacksonville vs. Indianapolis - Indianapolis
San Francisco vs. Philadelphia - The Iggles
Buffalo vs. Tampa Bay - Buffalo
Baltimore vs. Tennessee - Baltimore (ugly game)
Pittsburgh vs. Houston - Pittsburgh (this is going to be a REALLY ugly one too)
St. Louis vs. Arizona - Arizona
Atlanta vs. Seattle - Atlanta
San Diego vs. Denver - San Diego
Cleveland vs. Green Bay - Green Bay
Miami vs. The Jets - The Jets
Kansas City vs. Oakland - Oakland
New Orleans vs. The Giants - New Orleans (2-0 Saints? WTF?)
Washington vs. Dallas - Dallas

We'll see how I did next Tuesday.

Clash of the Titans - Part 1

The four of us stood on the hilltop, watching the scene below us unfold. Karl Rove and Evil Glenn had stumbled upon the IMAO plothole - both of them had, at one point or another, been declared the most evil human being alive. And now they were going to settle the matter, in my house. Or... what was to be left of it.

Rove broke the silence. "Heh heh heh. The book of Punditry foretold of a false prophet of evil to lead the Right-Wing astray. Your libertarianism may be attractive domestically, but your social policies are gravely mistaken, and your acts of evil are just not evil enough. You are the False Prophet, and you, just like Communism, shall be tossed into the ashbin of history."

Evil Glenn still only scowled. "You are the false prophet, Rove. You gave the right-wing two elections of a Republican In Name Only. Socially conservative, sure, but a fiscal nightmare. What happened to the days of Reagan? Or does the book of Punditry not mention him?"

"Oh, Evil Glenn, you foolish MORTAL! Don't you realize that the entire election cycle since 1789 has been foretold in the Book? Every last bit! Hinckley - a Rovian plant! John Wilkes Booth - a Rovian plant! Hugh Hefner - a Rovian plant! Howard Dean - a Rovian plant! Every last one! And what have YOU done lately - certainly not shifted the balance of power throughout the planet, have you?"

Evil Glenn cracked a smile. "You do not know what you're up against, Rove. I may not change the course of this world by my words, but through force and force alone. Behold!"

An enormous nuclear warhead attached to a rocket came out of nowhere, and seemed to launch straight into the sky. With any luck, I would not be killed. Instead, we watched in horror as the nuke went straight up and detonated - on the moon. Space debris was falling to the Earth at an astounding rate. Rove was able to create a shield around himself using some sort of dark power, whereas my pals and I were forced to dive into a convenient ditch to avoid certain death.

"Well well well, Glenn - I would be proud of you, if it were impressive in the least. I have not a scratch. Is that the best you can do? Obviously I chose wrong when picking my successor for the Lord of Evilship. I should have gone with that Rodham woman. She certainly was evil enough. Plus, she enjoyed making smoothies of endangered species, which is more than I can say for YOU, Reynolds."

That was the last straw. The biggest battle since World War II was about to begin, and my house was NOT going to come out looking good.

Evil Glenn charged first, but Karl Rove quickly moved off to the right. Glenn leapt into the air, but as he approached Rove, the White House's Satan sank into the ground and reappeared in the shadows twenty feet away. Suddenly, there he was, right in Glenn's face. A quick left uppercut sent Evil Glenn tumbling backwards, but couldn't take him off his feet. Rove followed up with three more lefts and a nasty right before Glenn was able to get out of his reach.

Rove began trash-talking to Evil Glenn, but that proved to be a mistake, as Reynolds once again attacked from the air and managed to land a kick squarely to Rove's jaw. Glenn quickly followed up with a kick to the stomach, which sent Rove flying backwards into my house, demolishing my north wall. We all cringed, and Glizzenn was writhing with pain. He seemed to be feeling everything that Glenn was. Dawn tried to calm him down, but it was no use. Every hit to Glenn would produce an identical effect in Glizzenn.

A swift punch to Glenn's right cheekbone sent him careening into my west wall, collapsing it. I had a feeling that would happen. Quickly sitting up, Glenn charged at Rove again. This time, Rove seemed to shift in time and reappeared on Evil Glenn's left. Stunned that Rove COULD move to the left, Glenn gave him an opening. Rove took it, and kicked him right in the face.

"*spit* I TOLD you, Reynolds. You are naught but a false prophet. Punditry 31:114 states that 'While one side seeks to make its fruit radioactive, the other side shall determine its false prophet.' 31:114 talks about YOU, Glenn. If I must use the phrase 'False Prophet' again, I assure you it will be the last thing you hear before you die."

"You can't kill me, Rove. You have too much respect for life, and that is your weakness. Oh, sure, you blend adorable endangered species with the best of them, and you exploit all sorts of polar wildlife, but it kills you just a little bit every time. You once had a soul. I did not. That is why you will fail. YOU are the heretic of whom the Book speaks, not I. As I said, I use less than five percent of my evil in the blogosphere. Now you will see what I can truly do."

As per the norm in Japanese cartoons, Evil Glenn fired a bolt of pure evil (and purple) energy from his hand. Rove deftly avoided it, and it exploded in the vicinity of what, at one point just a few hours beforehand, was my house. Rove smirked a smirk only Chimpy Smirk McHitlerBurton or his cronies could smirk, and he smirked it smurfily.

"You think that's special? Silly lawyer, I'm Karl Freakin' Rove. What makes you think that I can't do one better than that?!" Rove launched his own ball of dark energy at Evil Glenn, who reflected it in our general direction. Thankfully, it missed. Rove and Reynolds then simultaneously fired orbs of evil energy at each other, which managed to cancel out after causing a monumental explosion that shook the hilltop we stood upon. Glizzenn was still shaking.
At that point, Rove began chanting. It seemed to be in Latin or Aramaic - I was too far away, but a black aura formed around him, and he charged at Glenn, knocking him backwards. A punch to the stomach dropped Evil Glenn to one knee. Rove smiled, and prepared to drive his hand into Glenn's neck. Somehow, Glenn was able to look up and block it at the last second. He flipped backwards, and Rove did as well. The four of us on the hill looked on in shock as Glenn picked up a conveniently placed stray puppy, blended it in his porta-blender, and drank it. What followed was just like something out of Popeye, complete with the music. Rove backed off.

With my house in shambles, Evil Glenn and Karl Rove prepare to begin Round 2 of their fight. Only one can be crowned the True Right Wing Lord of Evil. Who will it be?

About Evil Glenn - The Filthiest Lie

About Evil Glenn - The Filthiest Lie

How could my Monday get any more absurd? Well, after missing two classes due to sleep, I could get a ridiculous message FROM the alarm clock in place of Rush Limbaugh.

"Instapundit has been the #1 blog in the Ecosystem since more or less the beginning of time, but what do we REALLY know about the blogosphere's Dark Overlord? Sure, there's a crappy little "About Me" page that hasn't been updated in over 3 years, but it's a little short on detail.

DEFINITELY overdue for an update.

Your Filthy Lie Assignment this week is to answer the question:

What vital information is missing from Instapundit's "About Me" page?"

At first, I thought Rush was off his rocker (Dean ALWAYS seems to think that), but I quickly realized that it wasn't Rush, but it was... Cobra Commander? Or at the very least, it was Harvey doing a poor CC impression. This wasn't going to take much work - all I had to do was ask Glizzenn about HIS past, seeing as he was Evil Glenn's "Afric-American Pup-Blendaclone-5000" and I would basically get all the information I need.

"Yo, yo, mah nizzle, you know I'm Glizzenn and you'd betta recognize!" I cut him off mid-sentence and offered him a robo-puppy smoothie for his vital information.

"Well, as you nizzle, I'm a Law Profesizzle at the Universizzle of Tennessizzle." Once again, I cut him off and flipped the switch on his collar from "Glizzenn" to "Glenn". A difficult task when he's up and "groovin' around". He began reciting all the information programmed into him by his evil creator.

"Well, who am I? Who is Glizzenn Reynolds? I'm a libertarian, and a law professor at the University of Tennessee. Tennessee. That means I could not have caused the L.A. Blackout. My interests include nanotechnology, and puppy smoothies. Note my connection to WonderDog records. When I fool all the readers of my blog into purchasing nanotechnological products (not including that misnamed Ipod Nanomajig), I shall then introduce my fetish for Picotechnology, and failing that, Femtotechnology, which is the science of creating extremely tiny fembots. But you didn't hear that.

It has often been rumored that I worship Satan. Wrong. Satan worships me. I think it was after the whole Saddam Hussein debacle, but one day, things just got turned around. Perhaps he got into my penguin stash, but maybe it was just all the stuffed animals I have lying around. Whatever the case may be, I am the most evil force in the universe."

At that point, the lights went out, and flashed back on. I turned around to see Dawn tumbling off the couch. I hadn't even noticed she was there. Behind her stood the true Evil Glenn, cackling maniacally.

"You're all fools! I created Glizzenn using only 15% of my true logic! While he did reveal my Fembot technology, and the truth about Satan, that is all you will learn about me! You will not find out about my true reasons for doing the robot, nor my obsession with this little red book here."

I stopped him. "Uh - that's my little black book. Could I have it back?"

He handed it back. "Feh - far too young for me regardless. I meant this little RED book of quotes by the great Mao Tse-Reyno-TUNG! Mao Tse-Tung! Yes... you will NEVER learn the truth in regards to THAT. You'll also never learn that I'm the evil one who created calculus."

"Calculus isn't evil, Evil Glenn."

"Damn. Psychology?"

"Nope. All good."

"Neurobiology?"

"Pretty cool, actually."

"Inorganic Chemistry?"

"YOU B@$-" as I charged Evil Glenn, a Nano-field appeared around him and prevented me from progressing towards him. He continued to laugh his evil laugh. "Hello. LAWYER." I failed to see what that had to do with anything.

"I am the Dark Lord, Evil Glenn. There is no force on Earth, perchance the Universe or the Diversityverse that can handle me. The book of punditry even states that-"

The lights went out again. Dawn screeched, jumped from the couch onto my back, and crushed my L3 and L4 vertebrae. Impressive for someone who can't weigh 110 pounds. I was still in excruciating pain, and was not prepared for what happened next.

Louie stumbled in the door, totally smashed. But that wasn't it. Behind him stood a mysterious hooded figure, who seemingly had risen from the shadows. Glizzenn was terrified. I was speechless. Evil Glenn could only scowl.

"Rove."

"Reynolds."

"The Book of Punditry is not a toy, Glenn. You don't know what you're doing. You're nothing but a fool. A fool who drinks puppy-smoothies. Rove lifted his hand, and reached into a magically appearing hat. It was a blender. And a bunny. Even Evil Glenn had to wince at what happened next.

After Rove wiped the smoothie from his lips, he turned to Evil Glenn again. "A fool. You are a fool. You betrayed my trust in you. I felt you could have been something special - an evil genius the likes of which the world has never seen. Instead you are still but a lowly puppy-blender."

Evil Glenn interrupted him. "I have only shown the blogosphere less than five percent of my true power and evil, Rove. You are the fool. As a grand wizard once said, "Once, I was but the learner, now I am the master!"

Rove cackled. "First, that wasn't a wizard. Second, you got the line wrong. I have no time for amateurs and LAWYERS such as yourself. Unless, of course, you wish to prove ME wrong."

I cringed. Six years of watching ridiculous Japanese cartoons and movies cued me in to what was about to occur. I had Glizzenn grab the unconscious (and hung-over) Louie, and I quickly shuffled them and Dawn out of the building. We hopped into the car, sure that this would be the last time we would ever see this part of town.

Coming Soon: The Clash of the Evil Titans!

Clash of the Titans - Poll

In conjunction with the Filthy Lie:

Who Is More Evil - Karl Rove or Glenn Reynolds? Karl Rove Glenn Reynolds Equally Evil *shudders* Who are they? View Results

Heh. Indeed

While reading the New England Republican today, I came upon this post.

"New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin crossed party lines Monday and endorsed Republican Bobby Jindal for governor. "Bobby Jindal understands that all of Louisiana benefits from and needs a strong New Orleans," Nagin said. With Jindal as governor, "New Orleans and the rest of the state will be partners, not adversaries - which is critical because we can only move this state forward together."

Gov. Blanco is REALLY going to come out looking the worst after this debacle. Perhaps Nagin is looking towards his OWN gubernatorial run in the next 10 or 12 years. He's certainly deflected everything in the media so far, and any ads that use Hurricane Katrina to harpoon him will most decidedly come out looking in bad taste.

Just a thought or four.

Flagging

What's this jig about flagging objectionable entries on blogger now? I'm not seeing hide nor hair of it. If it does come to pass, I'll have to up and outta here, if you get my drift.

On 9/11

On 9/11/2001, I was in my French class, listening to my teacher discuss wine, women, and cheese. Mainly cheese. I'm not kidding.

I had been in history class when the first plane hit the tower, but we didn't find out about it until French class. We flipped on the television after the first plane hit the tower, but before the second, so we basically got into a laugh riot. What kind of dumb@$$ pilot can't avoid the World Trade Center? To quote South Park, "It's comin' right for us!"

That quickly changed once the second plane hit. The laughter that permeated the classroom prior to the second shot quickly turned into a sense of "WTF?" - and as the day progressed, and the other two planes hit and the towers collapsed, a new sense of panic fell upon the school - would WE be targeted with our nuclear plants and naval base in the area? It was a solemn day amongst the students, to be sure. I couldn't help but think there were some teachers who took secret enjoyment of watching us hit like that.

I was only 15 then, and while it really wasn't that long ago, it really WAS that long ago. It really held a cloud over the entire high school experience, in its own way.

Clemson 28, Maryland 24

A very good game with a disappointing finish.

Unfortunately for Clemson, they won't get away from our basketball program.

Chickenhawks!

Okay, all things being equal, those who have never actually been a slave themselves are not allowed to compare things to slavery. This also goes for Jesse Jackson.

In other news, which shows how GOOD-hearted the non-Jackson crowd is, BET's telethon has raised over $6 million as of 10 PM. God bless 'em. That's - you know, 300,000 times what I donated.

I'm not actually a regular BET viewer, if you were curious. I don't watch TV that often anymore outside of the weather channel, and get most of my news and sports from blogs and stores that sell blended puppy.

Heywood Returns!

http://snopes.com/politics/katrina/info/heywood.htm

A distant relative of his was once part of the Mighty Sound of Maryland marching band.

How To Win Friends and Influence People

Me: Sorry, but the fact that both my parents have lost their jobs ONLY during Democratic Administrations makes me weary of casting a vote for the Democratic Party, among other reasons.

D: Well, under Democrat administrations, your bureaucracies are slashed and people who are good at what they do keep their jobs, as well as people who otherwise would be unemployed during a Republican presidency.

Me: You've never read "How to Win Friends and Influence People", have you? I didn't think so.

Snatching Defeat From The Jaws of Lesser Defeat

Dean: Race was factor in deaths (FoxNews)

It's not even the ridiculous article that bugs me - it's Dean at the National Baptist Convention of America. Didn't the race of 2004 make all affiliations with churches taboo? Come on - Bill Frist is in the pocket of the Jesusfreaks for showing up at Justice Sunday or whatever the thing was called (a debatable point?) But Dean, at a convention, not just on videotape, will not hear another word about this.

Oh that's right - the "D" thing.

And does anyone else think this could be a REALLY bad idea?

Donating Blood

Donating blood for Katrina Victims at 4:15 tomorrow.

I actually have no idea what my blood type is. Probably a good thing to know.

And if I don't come back, the CIA got me.

Wonderment

Are there any countries or disputed national/secessionist movements whose flags contain the color pink? I think there are 3 or 4 ethnic/national separatist movements whose flags have purple (though I find no national flags with purple) on them, but none have pink.

It's all racism, I tell ya.

Filthy Lie - The International Instapundit

Long time no lie. Got my message from Harvey this week. Here's the transcript.

"I recently read about a tiny Austrian villiage (which is pronounced "Fooking") that keeps getting its signs stolen, because the name of village means something entirely different in English. [I have a feeling he was googling for something else, but will leave it at that - TB]

Which sets me to wondering if this sort of thing happens a lot.

Your Filthy Lie Assignment this week is to answer the question:

What does the word "Instapundit" mean in foreign languages?"

I sent my crack reporting team, Dawn, Glizzenn, and my new employee Louie out to do the heavy lifting on this one. I had to hunt down the Magic School Bus, which was apparently left to become scrap in New Orleans. Man, that meme annoys me. After I had recovered it (a la Luke's ship in SW: Episode V), I headed out to do some research on my own.

What I discovered may shock and appall you. Or it may not.

In Afrikaans, Instapundit means "What the hell are you doing?!" and is roughly synonymous with "Wat die hel doen jy?" (here)

In Arabic, Instapundit is roughly translated as a sarcastic "Hello, al-Lawyer". Arabic has probably the best curses out of any language. (here)

In Assyrian, Instapundit means "What is the capital of Assyria?" (I believe the answer was supposed to be Nineveh, if you're curious)

In Bosnian, Instapundit is used as a derogatory term referring to something done by the 1st Clinton Administration.

In Somali, it's used to refer to something done by the 1st Clinton administration's second term, but I won't go into further detail.

In Chinese (Mandarin), "Glenn Reynolds The Instapundit" is Capitalist Pig Dog propaganda worthy of capital punishment.

In Cantonese Chinese, it refers to what we Americans like to call "Yo Mama's So Fat" jokes.

In Dutch, "Instapundit" means "I love gooooooooooooold!" (No, that joke never gets old)

By a coincedence that not even Chomsky can explain, Instapundit means "Puppy Blender" in the following languages:

Bulgarian
English
Farsi
Gaelic
Indonesian
Korean (I could not avoid the obligatory joke here)
Norwegian
Russian (almost - see below)
Surinamese
Tagalog (Filipino)
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese (I'm on a ROLL here)

In Polish, Instapundit means "One who is blended BY puppies." Those silly Poles. *adds another group to his list of 'people I've offended recently' list*

In both French and Quebecois, "Instapunditry" means "Those Stingy Americans!"

In Germany, "Instapundit" refers to any webpage deemed inappropriate by the government.

In Greek, it's not pronounced or spoken, but spelled with Classical Greek letters, including seven omegas. It's apparently akin to saying "Belgium" anywhere else in the universe.

In both Hebrew and Yiddish, it means "Joooooooo!"

Italy pronounces it "It's-a me, Instapundittio", meaning "It's-a me, Mario!" *another checkmark on the list*

The Japanese are thankful it doesn't have any Ls or Rs in it. (another checkmark). Inu-tsuponuditu can refer to either to the anime Inu-Yasha (starring a non-blended dog demon), or a some sort of nudist, judging by the last syllable. My Japanese is quite rusty.

In Klingon, "Instapundit" is interchangable with "KHAAAAAAAAN!"

In Kurdish, it means "Give us our damn state, Americans!"

In Punjabi, it's basically akin to a lawyer asking his client "Kuriyah de naal zabardasti kyoo karda ugaay tera balat kar da case chalda ya?" (once again, the Insultmonger, and I probably just offended the entire Sikh community)

"Instapundit" is Russian for "Mr. Gorbachev, blend me this puppy."

In Spanish, "Instapunditar" is a verb meaning "to blend", whereas "Instipunditir" means "to sue".

Finally, In Zulu, Instapundit means "The Pundit Who Posts Instantaneously [or instantly] (or incessantly)", just as IMAO means "FUN!"

Oh yeah - I almost forgot... LATIN!

Instapundo Delenda Est!

Maryland 23, Navy 20

Yeah - I kinda forgot to post about that. I was exhausted.

Hell of a game though. Down 14-3 at halftime. I thought Ralph was TRYING to put his job on the hotseat. Thankfully they came through. Two things though.

1) Maryland has both the best fans AND the worst fans in all of college sports. Am I the ONLY one who finds it rather inappropriate to chant "You Suck!" at Navy? You know, that Navy?

2) Honestly, if one thinks the National Guard currently stationed in Iraq should have been in Louisiana and it's Bush's fault they weren't, shouldn't the Navy football team have been there too?

Okay, 3 things.

3) If we have trouble beating Navy, we're going to get stomped by Va Tech AGAIN. Hopefully it won't be 55-6.

Next up: Clemson @ Maryland, September 10.

70,017

That's the capacity of M&T Bank Stadium in Baltimore, where Navy plays host to the Maryland Terrapins football team tomorrow night. The Mighty Sound of Maryland marching band will be performing at halftime. In front of a sold-out stadium. That's right - over 70,000 people will be there to hear us (music with your wait in the concession stand, anyone)?

Largest crowd I performed in front of before this? Maybe 8,000 in non-sold-out Giants Stadium. Better get the starstruckness out before the performance. If you're wondering where I've been, I've been prepping for this show. 70,000 people. I'm pretty sure I've lost like 20 pounds since the 21st of August working this stuff. Seriously.

Also, I haven't decided how much I'm going to donate to the Katrina Relief Funds yet - somewhere between $25 and $50 I think is appropriate for a college student.

I Dislike Google

Gmail. Where did this go wrong? My #1 AOL account has 7 spams in the spam folder (and 2 in the inbox that the spam filter missed). My University of Maryland account has 207 in the spam folder after one year, and caught everything.

Gmail has 265 spams in the spam folder and 51 in the inbox. Out of 66, of course. Even my #1 HOTMAIL account, with 2,771 pieces of mail, has less than 20% spam in the inbox. 51 of 66? That's atrocious.

Don't do evil - indeed.

Update: Actually, 57 of the 66 are spam/mailing lists, but six of those left are from the Page 3 (UK Sun) mailing list that someone registered me to. I suppose I owe them some... something or other, anyway.