Friday, July 22, 2005

"Gay" Redefined

Someone tell Andrew Sullivan.

Apparently, having sex with men isn't what defines gay anymore. Now it's membership in choir, drama, gaudy pants, and studying French. Sleeping with women has nothing to do with sexual orientation anymore - c'mon! Confederate Yankee points to this post at Reasoned Audacity for the FULL explanation.

In this case, I demand the chairpersonship of GLAAD immediately, plus my own harem of women, because as we've seen, sleeping with the opposite gender now has no effect on determining whether one is hetero or homosexual. You just have to be a conservative that liberals don't like, and then the rumors start. Next thing you know, everyone will start mumbling that Harvey is gay.

C'mon - why does this absolutely ridiculous BS even pass for reasoned political discourse?

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

FNC

Is it me, or since the beginning of July, has Fox News been going completely overboard on the "ALERTS"? Seriously - they would do maybe one every four or six hours before, but there have been, on average, three every hour this month, and half of them have been ridiculous hurricane alerts. Do we REALLY need to be alerted about hurricanes in this day and age?

I suppose it's the Fox News Cabal (led by Joooos!) trying to scare us with their evil fear techniques, or something paraphrased like that from someone in the area. Just... too many alerts. They could at LEAST make different noises for the hurricane alerts so I don't have to see what's going on.

Monday, July 18, 2005

That's A Lot of Monkeys

Seriously. That's a LOT of monkeys.

Spiders?

Our lawn has recently been invaded by "spiderwebs". I can't explain it. I've never actually seen any spiders in the lawn. From 6 to 8 feet away, the "webs" (which are in the grass) look like flat, round, ripped up plastic bags. The webs are 4 to 6 inches in diameter, and there are between 15 and 20 webs. This happens at least three times a year, and never at the same time. It's happened during December, March, July, October, January, whatever.

I put "webs" in quotes because the other possibility is that this is some sort of fungus. The one that immediately comes to mind is Sclerotinia minor - however, these webs are much more sparse and thinly-packed than any sclerotinia I've ever seen. That, and I've only seen sclerotinia as a lettuce pathogen - something like this on grass is rather bizarre. I don't think it's snow mold either, but I could be wrong.

If you've ever seen anything resembling either possibility, tips for killing the offenders would be much obliged.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Again and Again

The Rockies lost again. They're on pace to go 56-106, which would easily be their worst record ever. It's been a long, long season.

Going to the beach today. Haven't been to a pristine beach in 12 years. Should be interesting.

Friday, July 15, 2005

4 Things

Five things unlikely to happen by the end of 2005.

1) Palestinians will finally embrace "Not-Killing-Jews"-ism

2) ESPN will realize that poker is not a sport and stop airing it. Also, the network will stop being so sycophantic towards the Yankees, Red Sox, and Cubs. There are 27 other teams. As of this moment, I refuse to watch ESPN from here until the end of baseball season.

3) Democrats will not object to a Bush supreme court nominee on ideological grounds. Unless of course, it is a robot.

4) I will get more than 24 hours of sleep in a single week

5) Speaking of sleep, Michael Jackson will stop sleeping with little boys.

Free 2 Gigs of Space!

Learn how here.

Yeah, it's screwing over Google, but they deserve it after all those Google News debacles.

(tip o' the hat to Bloggrandad Harvey)

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Terrorist Spotting: PGH

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Another Thursday, another (fake but accurate) memo from The Alliance of Free Blogs.

The mission this week: How Can We Tell if Someone Is A Terrorist?

This is a very complicated question. One would think that the easiest way to tell if someone was a terrorist is to see if the military is shooting at them - however, this may also involve journalists as well.

How to differentiate terrorists from journalists:
1. Terrorists usually have a "Splodydopers for Allah" tattoo or something similar, whereas journalists only have a pentagram-esque marking on their foreheads.

2. Journalists, while not fans of the West, are also pacifists. If the person in question is holding a gun, he or she is not a journalist.

3. If your subject writes op-eds for a major newspaper, they are a journalist, and not a terrorist.

Other than masquerading as journalists, terrorists may try to blend in with other elements of the populace. If the person in question keeps going on and on about the evil Joooooos, he might be a terrorist - but then again, he might be a University professor.

How to differentiate terrorists from university professors:
4. University professors complain about racist apartheid in Israel but do nothing. If you see someone aiming a mortar launcher at a school bus full of Israeli children, they are a terrorist.

5. Terrorists will purposely attack children, like in Israel and Beslan. University Professors will just indoctrinate them with their marxist nonsense.

6. Where university professors would carry papers relating to tenure and union information, the terrorist will have a suicide belt.

7. If you currently reside in Palestine, it may be impossible to tell terrorists and university professors apart. They tend to be one and the same.

8. If you reside in Ireland, and your professor seems to be a terrorist, beat him up for living in the 70s. Damn 1970s.

Terrorists will also try to blend into the actual civilian populace.

9. If your subject complains about his leader being found in his underwear, and is not an American, he may be a terrorist. If he is American, your subject is just another poster at Democratic Underground.

10. If your subject uses the Crusades as a valid excuse for his actions, he is a terrorist. Shoot him on sight.

11. If your subject is complaining about the "Christian Fascists" in charge of the USA, and mentions anything about "The Workers' Party", he is not a terrorist. However, he is a Marxist and should be executed regardless.

12. If your subject whines about how the Yankees spend so much money on defense, he is not referring to the Americans. He is probably a Red Sox fan complaining about the Yankees buying championships and preventing the Red Sox from buying their own championships. Since these people are usually from Boston, they can assumed to be socialist whiners. Use rule 11 to figure out where to go from here.

13. If your subject wears a turban, he is probably a Sikh, not a Muslim. However, if your subject wears a turban with the words "DEATH TO AMERICA" emblazoned in hot pink letters, it is probably the Legendary Flamboyant Cleric of Iran. This man is a terrorist and should be stopped at all costs.

14. If your subject puts puppies in blenders... it is Glenn Reynolds. While he is evil, he is only a lawyer, not a terrorist. A picture of Glenn Reynolds in a burqa is worth 125,000 dinar on the black market.

15. If your subject mentions "infidels", "kafir", "suicide bombing", or "Martyrdom for Allah", he is a terrorist. Deal with him as necessary. This also applies if your subject begins singing the "Fanta" song.

16. If your subject mentions "Martyrdom for Rehnquist", it is Justice Stevens. The man is very very confused.

There are several other steps to determine whether someone is a terrorist (don't tell the left that the majority these days tend to be Arab though - that makes you a racist). The last four important steps are these:

17. If he watches Hardball, he is a terrorist. Watch out.
18. If he enjoys those Billy Mayes commercials, he is a terrorist. Watch out.
19. If he watches CNN or Al-Jazeera (either or), be suspicious.
20. Finally, if your subject thinks the Alliance of Free Blogs is evil, send Buck The Marine to deal with him.

Why Your Child Is Stupid, Part 3

Here we go.

Item 63: "The NEA... shall educate members about the Central American Free Trade Agreement and its serious negative consequences for education. Moreover, the NEA shall actively participate in coalitional efforts to defeat this regressive trade agreement in line with the oppositional position taken by Education International on CAFTA due to commercialization of education and privatization of public services." - WHAT? CAFTA, like NAFTA before it, is something that only good can come out of. And what about CAFTA pertains to education exactly? Is it that goddamn Privatization word again? That's akin to a 4-letter word in teacher circles.

Item 67: "To the greatest extent possible, NEA will commit itself and strongly encourage its affiliates to purchasing promotional products that are manufactured in the United States." - Excellent idea, still nothing to do with educating students.

Item 70: "The NEA shall publicize the position of the Education International on the need for debt cancellation in underdeveloped countries." - Bono joins the NEA. Film at 11.

Items 72 and 73 go together. Can you guess why?
Item 72: "The National Education Association will conduct a review of existing literature and research studies of school reform, specifically small schools conversion, with regard to employee issues -- training-support, workload-conditions, turnover rate, grievances, contracts, and to student issues-graduation, dropout rate, academic performance, college-career paths, safety, and the sustainability of small schools. The results of review will be made available to NEA members through the usual channels."
Item 73: "NEA will work to form coalitions with university deans of education, parent-teacher, business, student (education student) organizations and NCATE to consult on changing curricula at America's universities, and how teachers teach teachers to reflect our changed student populations."
That's right - Items 72 and 73 are actually helpful to students! It only took 72 items to reach this point! Well, 73 really only helps education-majors, but it is a start.

Item 75: "The NEA will declare a designated area of the NEA/RA and related meetings and activities a fragrance free zone." - WTF? More time teaching, less time fragrancing.

Item 78: "NEA will urge its members that they "do not shop" at Wal-Mart and Sam's Club due to Wal-Mart's anti-union, low-wage, low-benefit policies that have left its employees in need of hundreds of million of dollars in public aid for various health care and social safety net programs." I think I'll shop at Wal-Mart now. At least there ARE wages and benefits, however small. A little of anything is better than being unemployed.

BTW - Is it true that the lowest welfare benefits available in all 50 states exceeds minimum wage? Wouldn't that be more incentive to stay on welfare? Stupid nanny-state politicians. If this is true (I recall reading it at least twice), it is the single dumbest law on the books.

Item 79: "It is moved that the RA goes on record condemning President Vincente-Fox of Mexico's support of the insensitive use of ethnic stereotypical caricatures". However, we do not condemn Vincente-Fox's encouragement of illegal immigration. That's fine and dandy.

Item 82: "NEA will develop a comprehensive strategy to deal with the new and more sophisticated attacks on curricula, policies, and practices that support GLBT students, families, and staff members in public schools." - Sigh. Voting against gay marriage = stoning gays. We've heard it before.

Item 88: "NEA will ask the NEA Health Information Network to provide information to members regarding "acceptable" mercury levels set by the past administration as compared to the higher levels recently adopted by the present administration, and to educate members about the adverse impact of mercury exposure on student learning. Additionally, NEA will monitor the lawsuit Environmental Defense v. EPA, which challenges the EPA decision to increase mercury emission levels. NEA also will explore the feasibility of filing an amicus brief if and when the case is appealed." - I've got a simple answer for you: teach kids not to ingest mercury. Don't eat mercury, and you won't get Acrodynia. Simple. Did you notice that the NEA will file an Amicus if the ruling isn't to their liking? Use the courts, Luke!*

* I have no idea where I read that phrase, but I liked it and used it.

The NEA does NOT have child welfare in mind. They are more concerned with themselves than with the students. As public workers, they are supposed to be working for "The Greater Good" - didn't they go over this when they signed up? Teaching is a difficult job because unlike every other job out there (excepting medical professionals and the armed forces), you are not supposed to be working in your own self-interest! When you do, that defeats the entire purpose of the job! Teaching really is about the children!

10 Things the NEA should be concerned about:
1. Methods of pedagogy should not be different for different races, sexes, orientations, ethnicities, and religions. We are all human beings. 2 plus 2 is 4. It has nothing to do with "street" or "capitalist oppression", or "gender barriers".
2. Every non-special education student cannot move on to the next grade level until he or she is able to read, write and speak at their current grade level. "Southern Slang" and "Ebonics" and anything of a similar vein should be discouraged.
3. Bilingual education should be discouraged. However, students should be encouraged to learn a second language as early as English Proficiency is reached. (IE, mathematics should not be taught in English AND Spanish, but any student who wishes to learn Spanish should be encouraged to do so in a separate class)
4. Teachers should not indoctrinate students with their political or religious beliefs, be they liberal, conservative, libertarian, Christian, ID, Atheist, or others. This does not apply to evolution, which shall still be taught, as it is technically not a religious belief.
5. Any teacher caught in a compromising position with a student shall immediately be detenured and fired. If the student is the one who initiates the situation, he or she shall be discipline. All flirtatious behavior or comments of a sexual nature by educators will be responded to with a stern warning.
6. Upon graduation from high school, all students should be moderately prepared for the workforce and should know how to manage finances. They should also be taught to prepare for their own retirement.
7. All teachers must be qualified to teach their subject and must have test results (Similar to an SAT II or Praxis II score) to prove this. A bachelor's degree or higher may be used in place of this, assuming the degree is less than 20 years old. In turn, educators will take a test on knowledge of their subjects every fifth year after 20 years to prove they are still competent.
8. The NEA agrees to be a non-partisan organization and retracts any statements made in support or detraction of any Federal Administration. However, individual policies may still be criticized and/or supported. A blanket condemnation/endorsement by the NEA is discouraged.
9. Students' freedom of speech will not be abridged, though well-known slurs will be decidedly discouraged and punishment will be at the educator's discretion.
10. While some self-esteem is necessary, it should not be made into the be-all end-all of early childhood education. While it is important to feel good about oneself, it does not take precedence over preparation for life itself. A nine-year-old child can "feel as good" about him or herself as he or she wants, but if said student cannot read, the purpose of education is lost. We have the right to the Pursuit of Happiness, but not the right to happiness itself.

Thank you.

Why Your Child Is Stupid, Part II

In part I, I looked at the first 15 or so business items, plus items 61 and 62. Let's see what else is on tap for the NEA.

Item 18: "The NEA shall annually provide information about and promote the designation of April as National Donate Life month to promote organ and tissue donation throughout the United States." Can be beneficial, but once again, nothing to do with students. There's been one item among the first 18 dealing with education.

Item 19: "In accord with the NEA Legislative Program, NEA shall develop and implement a communications plan to inform members of the adverse consequences associated with any effort to either directly or indirectly divert Social Security Trust Fund surplus amounts to private accounts within Social Security." - There's that blasted Social Security Privatization again! WHY CAN'T THE PRESIDENT SEE HE'S SCREWING OVER THE TEACHERS WHO ARE TOO BUSY SCREWING OVER THE STUDENTS?! WHY, I ASK YOU?!

Ahem. Remember when I mentioned that Item 21 was the first to use the word "Student"? Well, what I didn't tell you is that the word "Student" in item 21 does not refer to K-12 pupils.

Item 21: "The NEA, in conjunction with the Student Advisory Committee, will conduct a review of the NEA Student Program:
  • To explore funding of organizers assigned by NEA regions to assist states in student organizing and transition to certified membership.
  • To explore grants to states for pilot programs for transition from student to certified membership.
  • To establish membership potential and membership goals for student programs.
  • To seek input from current and past student members for program enhancement and improvement of transition to certified membership.
  • To explore grants by NEA regions to increase student member attendance at Regional Leadership Conferences."
What this is is a program designed to increase the number of teachers, and in turn, increase the numbers in the NEA. While more teachers is a good thing, more qualified teachers is better.

Item 23: "The NEA will give members the option to receive publications including NEA Today and This Active Life in electronic format rather than in hard copy." - Take THAT, print media! Electronic communication wins again!

Item 25: "The NEA renew and enhance its nationwide initiative to educate our members of the dangers of privatization of our defined benefit pension plans, the impact on retirement benefits and public education, and what NEA is doing to combat these dangers." - Am I sensing a recurring theme here? I think the NEA may be more worried about their own retirements than the children's futures! As for me, I'll pull a Scalia and be at my post until I'm dead. That would probably be a nasty sight for the students. "Erm... the teacher's not getting up..." Anyway, did the NEA mention that SS PRIVATIZATION IS EVIL?!

Item 27: "I move that NEA propose to the National Citizens Stamp Advisory Committee the publishing of a commemorative stamp honoring the vital contributions made to public education by all ESPs" - In case you thought you read that wrong. Yes, Virginia, there is a "National Citizens Stamp Advisory Committee". And I thought I had too much time.

Item 28: "That NEA make our resolutions easily accessible on NEA's public website." - "Oops, we won't be doing THAT again."

I already discussed item 30, but let's see that phrase again. "NEA will undertake a two-tiered campaign to educate the public about the alternative governance arrangements required of schools in year 4 of program improvement under the so-called No Child Left Behind Act"

Item 32: "Move that NEA, utilizing existing policy, study the feasibility of initiating a boycott of Gallo wine." - What does boycotting winemongers have to do with educating children? Perhaps about the dangers of alcohol, but I sincerely doubt that's why the NEA is considering it.

Item 33: "The NEA will develop a strategic program to help NEA Republican members advance a pro-public education agenda within the Republican Party." - Please, someone tell me HOW this is ANY different from the Christian Right trying to set THEIR agenda into place in the Republican Party. Other than the CR actually having a shot, of course.

Item 34: "NBI: Defending Affirmative Action and Opposing the Deceptive "Michigan Civil Rights Initiative"
  1. The NEA will defend the national affirmative action victory that resulted from the Supreme Court decision in Grutter v Bollinger by opposing Ward Connerly's anti-affirmative action ballot initiative, deceptively known as the "Michigan Civil Rights Initiative" (MCRI).
  2. The NEA will support efforts to keep MCRI off the ballot due to extensive fraud and deception in petition gathering."
I don't think I need to say anything about Item 34.

Item 35: "The NEA will work in coalition with appropriate accrediting agencies, state credentialing agencies, and advocacy groups to encourage pre-service and in-service (including induction) training of teachers and education support professionals in current theory, effective pedagogy, and successful strategies for meeting the needs of English Language Learners."

Note: This is the ONLY time that the word "pedagogy" (basically meaning how things are taught) in the entire document. And the NEA wonders why the GOP is not exactly "Pro Public Education". Then again, the NEA is probably more worried about their retirements. 2 million teachers are expected to retire by 2007, of course.

Item 38: "[E]xpress NEA's opposition to the annual observance of "Take Your Child to Work Day" during the traditional school year to the appropriate organization(s). We request this worthwhile day be observed during a non-attendance day for students (or one with less impact on student learning)." - Because taking a child to work won't actually teach them anything - especially not anything they would need to learn to hold said work.

Item 40: "That the NEA investigate and report in its publications the present status of student freedom of speech." - Free speech, as long as no one is offended, of course.

Item 41: "That the NEA disseminate... specific recommendations to its membership designed to prevent compromising situations that could lead to allegations of inappropriate professional behavior." - This is good. Offense completely intended, but the Roman Catholic Church (to which I belong) needs to institute this policy as well. Though they could just toss out the Bureaucratese and just say - "DO NOT engage in flirtatious behavior with students"

Item 42: "The NEA shall work with other pro-democracy and pro-labor organizations to lead an education campaign among members and the general public about the need for support of strong public programs and institutions in the face of increasing privatization." - Public schools, good. Private schools: EVIL!

Item 47: "The NEA will inform members about reasons for the boycott of Gallo wines... The NEA will ensure that Gallo wines are not served at any function of the Association." - What the hell is Gallo Wines, anyway?

Item 53: "The NEA deplores the inappropriate use of words such as 'retarded' and 'gay.'" - Please compare this with Item 40, above.

Item 54: "The NEA will explore the feasibility of using existing sources of information from credible institutions such as the Center On Budget and Policy Priorities, to educate its members on the regressive taxation practices of the Federal Government, utilizing NEA publications and the NEA Web site." - What the HELL does this have to do with education? "Regressive Taxation Practices"? You'd think that people would notice, by now, that tax cuts stimulate the economy. If Clinton had stood for tax cuts instead of tax increases, he'd be in the list of top 15 presidents no contest. Instead, his legacy will be a blue dress and/or his wife.

In Part III, I'll do what I promised to do in part I, plus go over the last 40 items. I also come up with my own list, of what the NEA's priorities SHOULD be.

(I am in full awareness of the sheer number of copyright laws I'm in violation of. You'd think they teach kids about that in school, but after reading this, maybe you don't.)

Why Your Child Is Stupid, Part I

(via CQ and Misha)
Dateline: July 7 - The National Education Association introduced its new business items on July 7. As someone who is keeping a career in education open, I would expect the NEA to have children's education at the top of their priorities - business or not.

Of course, this is not the case.

First Adopted Item: "NEA affirms and supports the decision of the Executive Committee to participate in the national Wal-Mart Consumer Education Campaign" - In other words, a boycott of Wal-Mart. This store is the most villified company on Earth, even though it's the world's largest non-governmental employer. How this will affect your child's education, I don't know.

Second Adopted Item: "The NEA will investigate financial firms it endorses as to their positions on Defined Benefit Systems and the privatization of Social Security. NEA will make available... the names of organizations that are leading these attacks on our members' retirement security". Yep. It's a shame the children whom we're supposed to be helping won't ever see a dime out of SS thanks to the NEA.

Third Adopted Item: "[A]dd the words "other" and "multi-ethnic" in addition to "unknown" in the category of ethnicity on all forms." - These have been on all forms I've filled out in school since 1999.

Fourth Adopted Item: "NEA Human and Civil Rights Department will begin in 2005-2006 to implement programs and activities, as a part of NBI 13, of 2004, to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the historic merger of the National Education Association (NEA) and the American Teachers Association (ATA), which occurred in 1966." - In other words, "YAY US!" - not "US" as in United States of course, but you know what they mean.

Fifth Adopted Item: "The NEA will form a coalition with other like-minded organizations and individuals to protect Social Security and the Defined Benefit Systems of this country." - Once again, social security must NOT BE PRIVATIZED! People are not smart enough to plan for their own retirement!

Business Item 8: "The NEA President, Reg Weaver, will direct the HIN to write an article on health problems from exposure to fragrance chemicals in NEA Today." - Oh. My. God. There has to be a secondary meaning in this, because this, given the 8th priority, before anything involving educating young people, seems completely pointless. You go Reg.
(Here's NEA Today from May 2005)

Business Item 11: "The NEA shall expand our nationwide plan to elect pro public education candidates to Congress in 2006 by sponsoring political training for members in targeted areas leading up to the election" - I'll give you a hint which party they're referring to.

Business Item 15: "The NEA will advocate that all school districts receiving federal, state and local technology funds utilize those funds to close the achievement gap, enhance data systems to support accountability and provide the training necessary for teachers and education support professionals to become highly qualified users of technology, in order to support pupil learning."
The first item involving students - at number 15! The fifteenth priority!

It gets worse, of course. The word "student" isn't mentioned until Item 21. And the word "child" - used in only 3 items. One of which is Item 30, in which it is used in the following context:
"NEA will undertake a two-tiered campaign to educate the public about the alternative governance arrangements required of schools in year 4 of program improvement under the so-called No Child Left Behind Act and promote option (V) restructuring as the most reasonable under the circumstances. Specifically,
  1. NEA will use all available means to educate its members on the issue and use existing resources to identify and work with schools, through their state and local affiliates, that are subject to school improvement, corrective action and restructuring.
  2. NEA will encourage outside organizations to participate in this effort to educate the public."
(I cannot find an adequate definition of "Option (V) Restructuring at this time)

The other two times the word "child" is mentioned? Item 38, which protests "Bring your child to work day", and Item 62.
Item 62 is as follows:
"NEA will provide information and encourage participation in Operation Iraqi Children. This program helps provide school supplies to Iraqi school children. This process can be accomplished through means of communication including the NEA Today, the NEA website, and other means to activate local affiliates to support this humanitarian outreach."

Seems positive at first, of course, and in essence, it is meant to be. However, the item preceding it (61), reads as follows:
"The NEA calls on President Bush and Congress to:
  • support our troops by creating an exit strategy to end the U.S. Military occupation of Iraq and bring our troops home.
  • provide adequate veterans benefits and meet the needs of our veterans for adequate jobs, education, and healthcare.

The NEA will:

  • support NEA members and their families called upon to serve in Iraq by identifying and providing information about resources and services to help meet their special needs, by advocating for their interests and by protecting their jobs, seniority, and benefits.
  • advocate the reordering of national priorities toward peace and the human needs of our people."
You read that right: The NEA is demanding an EXIT STRATEGY! Support the troops by bringing them home! Support the firefighters by not letting them fight fires! Support the teachers by not forcing them to educate. Oh wait - they're doing that themselves.

Together, items 61 and 62 cry out: "Here schoolchildren, here's everything you need to be prepared for school. Binders, notebooks, pens, pencils... no evil US troops. Any questions? Yes, Muhammed? Beslan? What the hell is that?"

I'm sure that offended a bunch of people, and it probably should have. I make no apology towards it. The NEA has no idea what they're supposed to be doing anymore.

This is only part of the list. In part II, I look at even more ridiculous things on the NEA's business inventory. I also castigate my sister-in-law for going along with this organization in direct defiance of her "strongly-held principles" (her words, not mine)

Blogsplot Issues

For anyone left who uses blogger/blogspot:

When you go to the "Edit Posts" screen, does your blue edit bar take up 2/3 of the entire screen? Mine does, and the post itself, when I expand the entry, is only in a column 2.6 centimeters (just over an inch) across. It's ANNOYING.

And my home computer is too " $|-|!++'/ " to use movable type or wordpress, and I'm stuck on it until at least September 1.

Headlines, 7/13/05

Headlines!

Chirac takes Bastille Day salute
The French celebrate a jailbreak for the 215th consecutive year. Congratulations!

Hermaphrodite athlete in court
Glenn Reynolds replies: "No comment"

Religious extremism in Pakistan
Robert Spencer bets it's not referring to Christians.

US boy buys new Harry Potter book
Immediately condemned by The Pope.

Suicide Bomber kills 27

Of course, the search for root causes continues.

"GOP Nervously Eyeing Rove"
Part 171 of "Scandals the media keeps trying to pin on Bush so he will resign." Film at 11.

NHL, NHLPA agree to end lockout.
If you're a hockey fan: Clinton's policies shine through 6 years after the fact
If you can't stand hockey: Bush blamed

OMG WTF Natalee Holloway Still Not Found
Just in case you forgot or something. I bet it was the jooooooos.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The NHL is back

300+ day lockout finally coming to an end.

This is the Blackhawks' year, I tell you.

I think the Penguins are going to make the playoffs, if you can believe that.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Supreme Court Nomination

Well, it's a woman's seat that's open, so if we must nominate a woman:

Next Supreme Court Justice

Because it's only fair.

For Those With An Open Mind

I have been informed that this anime is very, VERY odd. As in, odder than the average anime by at least two standard deviations odd.
(Warning: NSFW!)

Thank you.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Evil Glenn's Book: The Filthy Lie?

I have ahem... "found" a copy of a mysterious manuscript inside the newest Harry Potter book. The manuscript seems to be written by none other than... an infinite amount of monkeys at an infinite amount of typewriters... who are slaves to EVIL GLENN! *mwa ha*

(The following is a filthy lie, and should be taken as such)

Prologue: My descent into madness began slowly. It was apparent by my 21st birthday, when I decided that I was destined to become a lawyer. My hours were spent listening to KISS's "Crazy Crazy Nights" and doing my best to seduce the lawyeresses. I was hardly getting anywhere, however, until I was taught the secret of ever-lasting youth and evil by the lawyers I was clerking for.

In order to become the best lawyer I could be, I had to learn the ways of the energy drink. Blended puppies. When I had my first taste of the canine, I knew I could never go back. It tasted like fruit smoothies should. But what I didn't know is that puppy smoothies are akin to a gateway drug. In order to get more puppies, I was forced to break into kennels at night and do my business.

This is how I contracted rabies. The lyssa virus drove me up the wall, and eventually led me to commit murder. A hobo, of course. What the doctor found oddest, though, was that after I was cured of rabies, the hobo murdering didn't get cured with it. By the end of a five-year span, I had murdered 774 hobos and blended all of their puppies.

By that time, I had felt God had forsaken me. So I did the thing diametrically opposite of that - I turned to worshipping Satan. Now, some people tell me that doing the thing diametrically opposite of what I originally felt is a sign of a lack of principles. Do you know what I tell these people? "Ahem... Lawyer." That shuts them up fast.

Heh.

Dammit, I wanted to get through this entire book without doing that. Oh well. As I was saying, I had turned to worshipping Satan. Through his minions, he told me that the only way to bring about world peace was to destroy America. So I became a communist spy. For some reason, my superior comrades insisted that I learn how to dance the robot. They said if it was good enough for Alan Dershowitz, it was good enough for me.

It was about this time that a smart[censored] little upstart named... um... Harvey? No... Condoleezza Rice? No... That's right It was... Hank J! Or maybe that's not it... aw, fiddlesticks.

FRANK J! That's it! He declared a blog war against me. As you can see from TTLB, he's STILL getting crushed. Crushed like a female staffer under Ted Kennedy. Indeed.

Dangit. Anyway, when Frank J got closest to unseating me, I showed up near his house, at the community park. To show my superiority, I punched him. I haven't heard from him since.

I did get word that he once tried to get Google to bring up my name (Evil Glenn, remember) whenever someone looks up Liberal Assclown. Instead, in an almost puppy-licious twist of irony, FRANK HIMSELF comes up as the first result, and Emperor Misha shows up on the first page as well. For some odd reason, Jimmy Carter does not make an appearance, nor does Lyndon Johnson.

However, this Alliance thing is really getting on my nerves. They think they can out evil-Glenn Evil-Glenn, eh? Well, they'll be sorry. My book shall show you the way to become the most Evil Glenn you can be!

Read the whole thing.

Dammit.

News

Friend of mine is in the hospital with a collapsed lung, and has been since Wednesday. Wish him luck. (He would have voted for Bush, had he not been born November 9, 1987, if it gives you any incentive)

You can even pray for him, if you want, but you don't have to.

Brits Back To Making Fun of Stupid Americans

I have a friend who lives outside Birmingham, England. She was, as to be expected, "scared shitless" this past week. She is fine now, of course. If her reaction is any indication, then the British will be sending their hormonally crazed 12 and 13 year old kid sisters to Iraq to discuss boys and clothes and anime and all sorts of other events. This will drive the terrorists crazy.

Her kid sister, not one to shy away from cracking jokes at the expense of some rather *ahem* idiotic Americans in return, has responded by telling me that "After the 13-year-old girls drive them crazy, the terrorists will have no choice but to take a vacation to Aruba, where they will meet up with wimpy Dutch kids and then mysteriously disappear. The war on terror will be over."

I never said the British were politically correct either.

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