Thursday, September 15, 2005

Clash of the Titans - Part 3

Part II
Part I

Glenn smiled. "Feel pain, Glizzenn! FEEL it! This is what you get for turning your back on ME!"

Glizzenn doubled over, screaming. I don't know how Evil Glenn managed this feat, but it was incredibly impressive, yet terribly frightening. He could probably cause Glizzenn to explode just by thinking it. Like ur-voodoo or something. But why would Glenn do so much damage to someone who was going to help him against Karl Rove?

Glizzenn was panting. Evil Glenn could barely hide his chimpy-esque smirk. "Now, Glizzenn - you know what will happen if you don't follow my orders. I want you to kill Rove to cement my place as the True Evil of the Blogododecahedron!"

Glizzenn stood up and reverted to a robotic manner. "Yes, master. I will do as you command...izzle."

Glizzenn pulled a knife out of his back pocket. "Prepare to go back to the dark world, Rove!"

Rove laughed. "Dark world? Is that a New Orleans joke? It's President Bush that hates black people, not me. I just hate cute animals. So I eat them."

Glizzenn looked confused. "What? I thought President Bush only hated midgets..."

Glizzenn's confusion gave Rove the perfect opportunity to attack. A bright, pulsating red laser flew out from under Rove's cloak and would have went straight through Glizzenn if not for a perfectly timed jump. Instead the beam hit a Wal-Mart and completely demolished the building. Out of the rubble came several dirty, smelly hippies.

"Wha-what was THAT?!" Glizzenn's eyes were bulging. He had never encountered something with such a vile aura before. Even being a clone of Glenn Reynolds wasn't that evil.

"It was a substance that I have been looking into for quite some time... just over two years, in fact. It is more vile than iocane powder, and stronger than kryptonite (even to the stupid) - it is Pure Commie Evil!"

I looked around. Pure Commie Evil? I thought it had been destroyed by the Rumsfeld Strangler... where could Rove have discovered it? China? North Korea? Kofi Annan? This was something I would have to look into, if I lived. Right now I had to deal with a reporteress and her broken leg, as well as a permanently drunken correspondant.

Glizzenn finally got the urge to speak. "Where did you get pure commie evil? It isn't supposed to exist anymore! How?! I thought you were a capitalist! Conservative in every way! What drove you to do this? You MONSTER! I will let you explain yourself. Afterwards, I will show you no mercy."

All Karl Rove could do was laugh. "Bwa ha ha! You really thought that I was fiscally conservative? Oh, sure - Bush and I had the tax cuts, but those were generally for the rich, and more specifically, for HALLIBURTON! Yes... Halliburton... the same company that executed 100,000 Iraqis used their souls as well as their oil, along with precious metal, to create this weapon that I fill with Pure Commie Evil!"

Evil Glenn was looking more perturbed every minute.

"So you see, while it APPEARED that we were conservative in every way, we were secretly setting up a socialist state! Just LOOK what we have done to the budget! The Clintons would be proud! You know, if Bill wasn't my pawn, I mean..."

"What about Hillary?"

"Do NOT mention that name in my presence, Glizzenn. Now, it is time for you to die."

Rove was in front of Glizzenn before I had even blinked. Six quick punches in succession had dropped the clone/robot/streetGlenn to one knee. However, Glizzenn wouldn't give in - he was a robot, after all.

Glizzenn landed a right uppercut to Rove's stomach that pushed him backwards. After springing back to his feet, he launched a white bolt of energy at the dark White House aide. Rove jumped, but it ripped a hole in his cloak and scarred his right knee. He quickly retailated with another blast of PCETM, which Glizzenn was able to avoid. The PCETM landed in a farmer's field, where it destroyed all the crops.

Lightning lit up the sky as Rove charged Glizzenn once more. They were trading punches four stories up in the air, and Glizzenn was able to prevent Rove from reaching his Commie Gun. It was obvious, however, that Rove had the advantage. He was just too strong for Glizzenn.

"Before you die, I want you to tell me about the Nano-caust. The Nano-Pocalypse. Whatever it was called. What was he talking about? Is there a secret that you two could be hiding from ME? You know I can read minds. However, it does cause the person whose mind I read excruciating pain - so just TELL me."

"I... I don't know! I think Glenn just made it up to confuse the hell out of us!"

"If he confused the Hell out of me, there'd be nothing left, fool. Tell me what the Nanonaqba is!"

"Nano-naqba? You support the Palestinian Cause?!"

"Erm... I thought that was blatantly obvious. Anyway - I want to know. The Nanopocalypse. Explain it!" Rove jammed his hand into Glizzenn's head, causing a flurry of sparks. Glizzenn fell to the ground, incapaciated, where Karl Rove proceeded to punt his head off.

"GLIZZENN!" Dawn started to sob, and I could feel myself crying as well. Louie, obviously noting our sadness, started to bawl uncontrollably. Rove turned in our direction. "You pitiful fools. Where is Evil Glenn Reynolds?"

All four of us were stunned to hear chanting coming from above us. I pulled out my binoculars, and I could make out Evil Glenn hundreds of feet in the air... and he was performing some sort of... dance? Wait... that wasn't just any dance... He was doing the ROBOT! I didn't know what was happening, but the remnants of Glizzenn began to lift off the ground and up towards Glenn. This was quite odd indeed.

An instant later, Louie slammed my head into the ground. "Don't LOOK!" The info didn't get to Rove though. A luminous flash of white light cleared away the clouds and for an instant, blinded all of us. When we could see again, Dawn grabbed my binoculars and looked back up towards the sky.

"My GOD! I don't... don't believe it! He... he's basically absorbed Glizzenn! He's... ROBO-REYNOLDS! Oh, this is too weird!"

For a moment, I thought I saw Karl Rove quake with fear, but before I could mention anything, he flew right at Robo-Reynolds to continue the battle.

Will we find out what the Nanonaqba is? What powers does Robo-Reynolds have? Is there a technical name for this monster? Is Glizzenn gone forever? What will become of him on It's A Pundit?

Find out in Part 4 of the Clash of the Titans: Rove and Reynolds edition!

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