Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Clash of the Titans, Part 2

Part I

The puppy smoothie certainly seemed to give Glenn a boost. He seemed to be working at double-speed now. He was hitting Karl Rove so many times that I had to stop counting after four seconds. Rove couldn't even get a chance to recite one of his incantations. Evil Glenn's next attack sent Rove flying into our hilltop, demolishing it and sending each of us in a different direction.

Reynolds could only stand back and laugh as the scenery lay in ruins, dust billowing out from the remains of the hill and of my house. Just as to be expected though, Glenn wasn't counting on a vivid beam of red energy being shot at him from the debris. He was able to avoid it in the nick of time, though his cheek was singed by the attack. He was stunned to see Rove emerge, unscathed, from the ruined hill. He also had somehow gained a red cloak and was once again chanting his incantations. The sky began to cloud over and suddenly, the battlefield was silent.

A shot of thunder sliced through the silence. I didn't notice that it had become dark, but it had happened. A flash of lightning allowed me to catch a glimpse of Louie, face down on the ground, still drunk, in the distance. I slowly made my way over to him. Another flash allowed me to see Evil Glenn and Karl Rove continuing their battle hundreds of feet above the Earth. It was like something out of a terrible Japanese movie. It really was.

"Idiot! That's what you are! You'll never be able to contain the power of the Blended Puppy! It has given me immortality!"

"You mistake immortality for immorality, you knave!" Rove began laughing again. "The Book of Punditry foresaw this battle - just as it foresaw the four onlookers below us. He who has the most pure reading of the Book shall be victorious, and by this point, it is obvious it is me! Did you not notice the weather change? Pure Halliburton Weather-Changer 9000!"

"Am I supposed to be intimidated by your speech, Rove? Was I supposed to be terrified by Mother Sheehan? What about Katrina? That part of your Halliburton weather-making scheme as well?" Ignoring Karl's nod, Reynolds continued. "I have an ARMY of clones willing to fight you, just for $#!+$ and giggles. One of your onlookers is my warrior - he may not believe it, and those three other dupes may not believe it, but his essence belongs to ME. I can order him to do all my bidding."

"If that is so, then why did you not have him kill the girl? You realize what's going to occur if you let her live. She may be known by one name now, but she was known by another name in the past. Don't forget - you DID kidnap her twice, yet you failed to kill her. Just like you failed to harm Andrew Sullivan. Just like you failed to win the gold medal in the Frank J. Punching Olympic Event. Just like you failed to exterminate the Joooos. Just like you failed to indoctrinate your students into EVIL!"

"But they have become lawyers!"

"That isn't evil ENOUGH, Glenn."

"How is that not evil ENOUGH? I am Evil Incarnate! Rove, your definition of evil is outdated and quite frankly, just plain silly - quite similar to your definition of marriage, if I do say so myself."

That set Rove off. He fired what looked to be hundreds of fireballs at Evil Glenn, who was able to reflect them all back towards Karl. It started to look like a game of pong. I did my best to avoid the flaming orbs crashing down to the ground, and scrambled my way over to where Glizzenn was. He had managed to get himself up, and was looking oddly rigid. He stood, looking up into the air, and he was mumbling something I could not comprehend. It almost seemed like something out of the mouth of Rove. Creepy.

Glenn and Karl landed about twelve feet from where Louie, Glizzenn, and I were. They both had vile expressions on their faces, and I feared for my life. My thoughts turned away - where the hell was Dawn? She couldn't be - no, I wouldn't allow that to occur. Glizzenn wouldn't allow that to occur. Louie wouldn't allow that to occur after his hangover receded. I motioned for the three of us to head in different directions, but I was cut off.

"Glizzenn." Evil Glenn's voice had lowered in timbre - now instead of lawyer evil, it was simply evil. "You thought you had outsmarted me - joined the good guys. Left the puppy blending forever. You idiot. You can NEVER escape the joys of Instapunditry. The penguins. The hamsters. The puppies. The hobos. The robot dance. You're a robot yourself, you know. Return to me, my creation."

"I will nizzle retizzle to your sizzle, Evil Glenn! You've done so much harm to societizzle. You should never be forgivizzle. The pupizzles you blendizzled... the penguizzle pronizzle. All of it. Fo shizzle, Glenn, I cannizzle join you."

"Glizzenn, you will join me, or you will die. In fact, you will join with me in body and spirit, as we once were, before the nano-pocalypse. Before the Blog War. Karl Rove has challenged me and my throne, and it is an insult to my honor, and yours. You cannot allow Karl Rove to get out of here alive, Glizzenn. It will either be you, or him. Make your choice now."

Glizzenn stammered. "No. I will not fizzle Karl Rovizzle. I just won't do it!"

Rove looked over, and used his shadowy powers to bring Dawn out of nowhere - she was moaning, and she obviously had a broken leg. This was bad. It would, of course, get worse. "Glizzenn - either you fight me, or she dies. I could actually USE a challenge for once. Someone will not get out of here alive - you, me, Glenn, or her. Choose wisely, Glizzenn."

Glizzenn stepped forward. "Put her down. I'll do as you wish."

Will Glizzenn have what it takes to stop Karl Rove? What did Evil Glenn mean by the Nano-pocalypse? Such dark turns. Clash of the Titans, Part 3 coming soon!

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