Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Clash of the Titans - Part 1

The four of us stood on the hilltop, watching the scene below us unfold. Karl Rove and Evil Glenn had stumbled upon the IMAO plothole - both of them had, at one point or another, been declared the most evil human being alive. And now they were going to settle the matter, in my house. Or... what was to be left of it.

Rove broke the silence. "Heh heh heh. The book of Punditry foretold of a false prophet of evil to lead the Right-Wing astray. Your libertarianism may be attractive domestically, but your social policies are gravely mistaken, and your acts of evil are just not evil enough. You are the False Prophet, and you, just like Communism, shall be tossed into the ashbin of history."

Evil Glenn still only scowled. "You are the false prophet, Rove. You gave the right-wing two elections of a Republican In Name Only. Socially conservative, sure, but a fiscal nightmare. What happened to the days of Reagan? Or does the book of Punditry not mention him?"

"Oh, Evil Glenn, you foolish MORTAL! Don't you realize that the entire election cycle since 1789 has been foretold in the Book? Every last bit! Hinckley - a Rovian plant! John Wilkes Booth - a Rovian plant! Hugh Hefner - a Rovian plant! Howard Dean - a Rovian plant! Every last one! And what have YOU done lately - certainly not shifted the balance of power throughout the planet, have you?"

Evil Glenn cracked a smile. "You do not know what you're up against, Rove. I may not change the course of this world by my words, but through force and force alone. Behold!"

An enormous nuclear warhead attached to a rocket came out of nowhere, and seemed to launch straight into the sky. With any luck, I would not be killed. Instead, we watched in horror as the nuke went straight up and detonated - on the moon. Space debris was falling to the Earth at an astounding rate. Rove was able to create a shield around himself using some sort of dark power, whereas my pals and I were forced to dive into a convenient ditch to avoid certain death.

"Well well well, Glenn - I would be proud of you, if it were impressive in the least. I have not a scratch. Is that the best you can do? Obviously I chose wrong when picking my successor for the Lord of Evilship. I should have gone with that Rodham woman. She certainly was evil enough. Plus, she enjoyed making smoothies of endangered species, which is more than I can say for YOU, Reynolds."

That was the last straw. The biggest battle since World War II was about to begin, and my house was NOT going to come out looking good.

Evil Glenn charged first, but Karl Rove quickly moved off to the right. Glenn leapt into the air, but as he approached Rove, the White House's Satan sank into the ground and reappeared in the shadows twenty feet away. Suddenly, there he was, right in Glenn's face. A quick left uppercut sent Evil Glenn tumbling backwards, but couldn't take him off his feet. Rove followed up with three more lefts and a nasty right before Glenn was able to get out of his reach.

Rove began trash-talking to Evil Glenn, but that proved to be a mistake, as Reynolds once again attacked from the air and managed to land a kick squarely to Rove's jaw. Glenn quickly followed up with a kick to the stomach, which sent Rove flying backwards into my house, demolishing my north wall. We all cringed, and Glizzenn was writhing with pain. He seemed to be feeling everything that Glenn was. Dawn tried to calm him down, but it was no use. Every hit to Glenn would produce an identical effect in Glizzenn.

A swift punch to Glenn's right cheekbone sent him careening into my west wall, collapsing it. I had a feeling that would happen. Quickly sitting up, Glenn charged at Rove again. This time, Rove seemed to shift in time and reappeared on Evil Glenn's left. Stunned that Rove COULD move to the left, Glenn gave him an opening. Rove took it, and kicked him right in the face.

"*spit* I TOLD you, Reynolds. You are naught but a false prophet. Punditry 31:114 states that 'While one side seeks to make its fruit radioactive, the other side shall determine its false prophet.' 31:114 talks about YOU, Glenn. If I must use the phrase 'False Prophet' again, I assure you it will be the last thing you hear before you die."

"You can't kill me, Rove. You have too much respect for life, and that is your weakness. Oh, sure, you blend adorable endangered species with the best of them, and you exploit all sorts of polar wildlife, but it kills you just a little bit every time. You once had a soul. I did not. That is why you will fail. YOU are the heretic of whom the Book speaks, not I. As I said, I use less than five percent of my evil in the blogosphere. Now you will see what I can truly do."

As per the norm in Japanese cartoons, Evil Glenn fired a bolt of pure evil (and purple) energy from his hand. Rove deftly avoided it, and it exploded in the vicinity of what, at one point just a few hours beforehand, was my house. Rove smirked a smirk only Chimpy Smirk McHitlerBurton or his cronies could smirk, and he smirked it smurfily.

"You think that's special? Silly lawyer, I'm Karl Freakin' Rove. What makes you think that I can't do one better than that?!" Rove launched his own ball of dark energy at Evil Glenn, who reflected it in our general direction. Thankfully, it missed. Rove and Reynolds then simultaneously fired orbs of evil energy at each other, which managed to cancel out after causing a monumental explosion that shook the hilltop we stood upon. Glizzenn was still shaking.
At that point, Rove began chanting. It seemed to be in Latin or Aramaic - I was too far away, but a black aura formed around him, and he charged at Glenn, knocking him backwards. A punch to the stomach dropped Evil Glenn to one knee. Rove smiled, and prepared to drive his hand into Glenn's neck. Somehow, Glenn was able to look up and block it at the last second. He flipped backwards, and Rove did as well. The four of us on the hill looked on in shock as Glenn picked up a conveniently placed stray puppy, blended it in his porta-blender, and drank it. What followed was just like something out of Popeye, complete with the music. Rove backed off.

With my house in shambles, Evil Glenn and Karl Rove prepare to begin Round 2 of their fight. Only one can be crowned the True Right Wing Lord of Evil. Who will it be?

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