Monday, September 12, 2005

About Evil Glenn - The Filthiest Lie

About Evil Glenn - The Filthiest Lie

How could my Monday get any more absurd? Well, after missing two classes due to sleep, I could get a ridiculous message FROM the alarm clock in place of Rush Limbaugh.

"Instapundit has been the #1 blog in the Ecosystem since more or less the beginning of time, but what do we REALLY know about the blogosphere's Dark Overlord? Sure, there's a crappy little "About Me" page that hasn't been updated in over 3 years, but it's a little short on detail.

DEFINITELY overdue for an update.

Your Filthy Lie Assignment this week is to answer the question:

What vital information is missing from Instapundit's "About Me" page?"


At first, I thought Rush was off his rocker (Dean ALWAYS seems to think that), but I quickly realized that it wasn't Rush, but it was... Cobra Commander? Or at the very least, it was Harvey doing a poor CC impression. This wasn't going to take much work - all I had to do was ask Glizzenn about HIS past, seeing as he was Evil Glenn's "Afric-American Pup-Blendaclone-5000" and I would basically get all the information I need.

"Yo, yo, mah nizzle, you know I'm Glizzenn and you'd betta recognize!" I cut him off mid-sentence and offered him a robo-puppy smoothie for his vital information.

"Well, as you nizzle, I'm a Law Profesizzle at the Universizzle of Tennessizzle." Once again, I cut him off and flipped the switch on his collar from "Glizzenn" to "Glenn". A difficult task when he's up and "groovin' around". He began reciting all the information programmed into him by his evil creator.

"Well, who am I? Who is Glizzenn Reynolds? I'm a libertarian, and a law professor at the University of Tennessee. Tennessee. That means I could not have caused the L.A. Blackout. My interests include nanotechnology, and puppy smoothies. Note my connection to WonderDog records. When I fool all the readers of my blog into purchasing nanotechnological products (not including that misnamed Ipod Nanomajig), I shall then introduce my fetish for Picotechnology, and failing that, Femtotechnology, which is the science of creating extremely tiny fembots. But you didn't hear that.

It has often been rumored that I worship Satan. Wrong. Satan worships me. I think it was after the whole Saddam Hussein debacle, but one day, things just got turned around. Perhaps he got into my penguin stash, but maybe it was just all the stuffed animals I have lying around. Whatever the case may be, I am the most evil force in the universe."

At that point, the lights went out, and flashed back on. I turned around to see Dawn tumbling off the couch. I hadn't even noticed she was there. Behind her stood the true Evil Glenn, cackling maniacally.

"You're all fools! I created Glizzenn using only 15% of my true logic! While he did reveal my Fembot technology, and the truth about Satan, that is all you will learn about me! You will not find out about my true reasons for doing the robot, nor my obsession with this little red book here."

I stopped him. "Uh - that's my little black book. Could I have it back?"

He handed it back. "Feh - far too young for me regardless. I meant this little RED book of quotes by the great Mao Tse-Reyno-TUNG! Mao Tse-Tung! Yes... you will NEVER learn the truth in regards to THAT. You'll also never learn that I'm the evil one who created calculus."

"Calculus isn't evil, Evil Glenn."

"Damn. Psychology?"

"Nope. All good."

"Neurobiology?"

"Pretty cool, actually."

"Inorganic Chemistry?"

"YOU B@$-" as I charged Evil Glenn, a Nano-field appeared around him and prevented me from progressing towards him. He continued to laugh his evil laugh. "Hello. LAWYER." I failed to see what that had to do with anything.

"I am the Dark Lord, Evil Glenn. There is no force on Earth, perchance the Universe or the Diversityverse that can handle me. The book of punditry even states that-"

The lights went out again. Dawn screeched, jumped from the couch onto my back, and crushed my L3 and L4 vertebrae. Impressive for someone who can't weigh 110 pounds. I was still in excruciating pain, and was not prepared for what happened next.

Louie stumbled in the door, totally smashed. But that wasn't it. Behind him stood a mysterious hooded figure, who seemingly had risen from the shadows. Glizzenn was terrified. I was speechless. Evil Glenn could only scowl.

"Rove."

"Reynolds."

"The Book of Punditry is not a toy, Glenn. You don't know what you're doing. You're nothing but a fool. A fool who drinks puppy-smoothies. Rove lifted his hand, and reached into a magically appearing hat. It was a blender. And a bunny. Even Evil Glenn had to wince at what happened next.

After Rove wiped the smoothie from his lips, he turned to Evil Glenn again. "A fool. You are a fool. You betrayed my trust in you. I felt you could have been something special - an evil genius the likes of which the world has never seen. Instead you are still but a lowly puppy-blender."

Evil Glenn interrupted him. "I have only shown the blogosphere less than five percent of my true power and evil, Rove. You are the fool. As a grand wizard once said, "Once, I was but the learner, now I am the master!"

Rove cackled. "First, that wasn't a wizard. Second, you got the line wrong. I have no time for amateurs and LAWYERS such as yourself. Unless, of course, you wish to prove ME wrong."

I cringed. Six years of watching ridiculous Japanese cartoons and movies cued me in to what was about to occur. I had Glizzenn grab the unconscious (and hung-over) Louie, and I quickly shuffled them and Dawn out of the building. We hopped into the car, sure that this would be the last time we would ever see this part of town.

Coming Soon: The Clash of the Evil Titans!

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