Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The UNternet (Precision Guided Humor)

...I awoke at the computer desk. I had evidently fallen asleep while perusing the right-of-center blogs in my own special little echo-chamber. Little did I know that during my snooze, that the UN had engineered an immediate takeover of the internet.

As usual, I typed Google into my address bar for my daily search. Instead, I ended up here. Extremely confused, I turned to MSNBC. It had been replaced with a page similar to the first one, except there were English captions for numerous phrases.

"KOFI IS TEH 1337!"
"Cotecna WUZ here, beeyotches"
"DEATH TO THE INFIDELS AND JOHN BOLTON'S INFIDEL WALRUS MOUSTACHE!"
"8/6/05! 8 + 6 + 5 = 19! Code of the Qu'ran! America shall have its own Hiroshima!"
"Jooooooooooooos!"
"Neil Cavuto has a big-ass head"
"They Call Me Tater Salad"
"America Shall Have All Its Puppies Blended By The Merciful Allah"
"All Your Internets Are Belong to US UN!"

At this juncture, I had had enough, and typed Fox News into my address bar. What I got in return absolutely stunned me.

Absolutely no information whatsoever about Natalee Holloway. Something had taken over the internet and completely turned things around. Then it hit me - Evil Glenn The United Nations!

My next instinct was to check Instapundit. It had apparently been bought to the tune of nearly 150 million dollars! It had become the Kofipundit. Kofi's first post went something along the lines of... well, something like this. Yeah - it was THAT bizarre.

Right when I thought I had seen it all, I was bombarded with popups. They had removed my Firefox browser and replaced it with Internet Explorer! And the popups. Ad for bigger genitalia. Check. Ad for my mortgage. Double-check. Pre-Steroid Test Rafael Palmeiro Viagra Ad. Check. Ad for Zionism-Is-Racism. Che-what? I immediately drafted a letter to my senior senator, Christopher Dodd, about this obvious breach of the Constitution's Privacy Clause. Unfortunately, when I tried to send it, I received a message telling me my message could not be sent.

"Criticizing the UNternet is forbidden speech. La crítica del UNternet es discurso prohibido. La critique de la UNternet est discours interdit. Das UNternet zu kritisieren ist verbotene Rede. Рецензировать интернет будет запрещенной речью. 한국 아기는 극단적으로 화려하 간다."

Now, I'm not sure if those four translations were accurate or not, but I assumed they were. I was getting ready for drastic action - so I checked out Samizdata and once again was redirected to the UN home page. If they were able to take out Samizdata, there would be no telling what other things they would be able to accomplish.

Then, as per the norm in these situations, I woke up shuddering at my computer desk, and quickly moved to Instapundit. Still normal. Thank goodness. Unless you're a puppy, that is.

UNternet Delenda Est!

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