Thursday, July 14, 2005

Terrorist Spotting: PGH

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Another Thursday, another (fake but accurate) memo from The Alliance of Free Blogs.

The mission this week: How Can We Tell if Someone Is A Terrorist?

This is a very complicated question. One would think that the easiest way to tell if someone was a terrorist is to see if the military is shooting at them - however, this may also involve journalists as well.

How to differentiate terrorists from journalists:
1. Terrorists usually have a "Splodydopers for Allah" tattoo or something similar, whereas journalists only have a pentagram-esque marking on their foreheads.

2. Journalists, while not fans of the West, are also pacifists. If the person in question is holding a gun, he or she is not a journalist.

3. If your subject writes op-eds for a major newspaper, they are a journalist, and not a terrorist.

Other than masquerading as journalists, terrorists may try to blend in with other elements of the populace. If the person in question keeps going on and on about the evil Joooooos, he might be a terrorist - but then again, he might be a University professor.

How to differentiate terrorists from university professors:
4. University professors complain about racist apartheid in Israel but do nothing. If you see someone aiming a mortar launcher at a school bus full of Israeli children, they are a terrorist.

5. Terrorists will purposely attack children, like in Israel and Beslan. University Professors will just indoctrinate them with their marxist nonsense.

6. Where university professors would carry papers relating to tenure and union information, the terrorist will have a suicide belt.

7. If you currently reside in Palestine, it may be impossible to tell terrorists and university professors apart. They tend to be one and the same.

8. If you reside in Ireland, and your professor seems to be a terrorist, beat him up for living in the 70s. Damn 1970s.

Terrorists will also try to blend into the actual civilian populace.

9. If your subject complains about his leader being found in his underwear, and is not an American, he may be a terrorist. If he is American, your subject is just another poster at Democratic Underground.

10. If your subject uses the Crusades as a valid excuse for his actions, he is a terrorist. Shoot him on sight.

11. If your subject is complaining about the "Christian Fascists" in charge of the USA, and mentions anything about "The Workers' Party", he is not a terrorist. However, he is a Marxist and should be executed regardless.

12. If your subject whines about how the Yankees spend so much money on defense, he is not referring to the Americans. He is probably a Red Sox fan complaining about the Yankees buying championships and preventing the Red Sox from buying their own championships. Since these people are usually from Boston, they can assumed to be socialist whiners. Use rule 11 to figure out where to go from here.

13. If your subject wears a turban, he is probably a Sikh, not a Muslim. However, if your subject wears a turban with the words "DEATH TO AMERICA" emblazoned in hot pink letters, it is probably the Legendary Flamboyant Cleric of Iran. This man is a terrorist and should be stopped at all costs.

14. If your subject puts puppies in blenders... it is Glenn Reynolds. While he is evil, he is only a lawyer, not a terrorist. A picture of Glenn Reynolds in a burqa is worth 125,000 dinar on the black market.

15. If your subject mentions "infidels", "kafir", "suicide bombing", or "Martyrdom for Allah", he is a terrorist. Deal with him as necessary. This also applies if your subject begins singing the "Fanta" song.

16. If your subject mentions "Martyrdom for Rehnquist", it is Justice Stevens. The man is very very confused.

There are several other steps to determine whether someone is a terrorist (don't tell the left that the majority these days tend to be Arab though - that makes you a racist). The last four important steps are these:

17. If he watches Hardball, he is a terrorist. Watch out.
18. If he enjoys those Billy Mayes commercials, he is a terrorist. Watch out.
19. If he watches CNN or Al-Jazeera (either or), be suspicious.
20. Finally, if your subject thinks the Alliance of Free Blogs is evil, send Buck The Marine to deal with him.

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