Sunday, July 10, 2005

Evil Glenn's Book: The Filthy Lie?

I have ahem... "found" a copy of a mysterious manuscript inside the newest Harry Potter book. The manuscript seems to be written by none other than... an infinite amount of monkeys at an infinite amount of typewriters... who are slaves to EVIL GLENN! *mwa ha*

(The following is a filthy lie, and should be taken as such)

Prologue: My descent into madness began slowly. It was apparent by my 21st birthday, when I decided that I was destined to become a lawyer. My hours were spent listening to KISS's "Crazy Crazy Nights" and doing my best to seduce the lawyeresses. I was hardly getting anywhere, however, until I was taught the secret of ever-lasting youth and evil by the lawyers I was clerking for.

In order to become the best lawyer I could be, I had to learn the ways of the energy drink. Blended puppies. When I had my first taste of the canine, I knew I could never go back. It tasted like fruit smoothies should. But what I didn't know is that puppy smoothies are akin to a gateway drug. In order to get more puppies, I was forced to break into kennels at night and do my business.

This is how I contracted rabies. The lyssa virus drove me up the wall, and eventually led me to commit murder. A hobo, of course. What the doctor found oddest, though, was that after I was cured of rabies, the hobo murdering didn't get cured with it. By the end of a five-year span, I had murdered 774 hobos and blended all of their puppies.

By that time, I had felt God had forsaken me. So I did the thing diametrically opposite of that - I turned to worshipping Satan. Now, some people tell me that doing the thing diametrically opposite of what I originally felt is a sign of a lack of principles. Do you know what I tell these people? "Ahem... Lawyer." That shuts them up fast.

Heh.

Dammit, I wanted to get through this entire book without doing that. Oh well. As I was saying, I had turned to worshipping Satan. Through his minions, he told me that the only way to bring about world peace was to destroy America. So I became a communist spy. For some reason, my superior comrades insisted that I learn how to dance the robot. They said if it was good enough for Alan Dershowitz, it was good enough for me.

It was about this time that a smart[censored] little upstart named... um... Harvey? No... Condoleezza Rice? No... That's right It was... Hank J! Or maybe that's not it... aw, fiddlesticks.

FRANK J! That's it! He declared a blog war against me. As you can see from TTLB, he's STILL getting crushed. Crushed like a female staffer under Ted Kennedy. Indeed.

Dangit. Anyway, when Frank J got closest to unseating me, I showed up near his house, at the community park. To show my superiority, I punched him. I haven't heard from him since.

I did get word that he once tried to get Google to bring up my name (Evil Glenn, remember) whenever someone looks up Liberal Assclown. Instead, in an almost puppy-licious twist of irony, FRANK HIMSELF comes up as the first result, and Emperor Misha shows up on the first page as well. For some odd reason, Jimmy Carter does not make an appearance, nor does Lyndon Johnson.

However, this Alliance thing is really getting on my nerves. They think they can out evil-Glenn Evil-Glenn, eh? Well, they'll be sorry. My book shall show you the way to become the most Evil Glenn you can be!

Read the whole thing.

Dammit.

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