Saturday, June 18, 2005

After Gitmo... Then What? (Precision Guided Humor)

After 5 weeks of being "embedded in no-computatorial land", I finally received a mission statement from Alliance Headquarters. Harvey and GEBIV have a new task at hand. Here is what the statement said:

"Senator Dick Durbin noted the mild inconveniences that terrorists have been suffering at the Guantanamo Bay (Gitmo) detention facility and compared these "torturings" to Nazi concentration camps, Soviet Gulags, and the Killing Fields of Cambodia...

So, your Precision Guided Humor Assignment this week is to answer the question:

What would we do with the terrorist detainees if Dick Durbin got his wish and we shut down Gitmo?"

I'm going to keep this short.

Well, this was an issue where even the Democratic Party had ideas. Nancy Pelosi suggested Candy Land, whereas Ted Kennedy went so far as to suggest Pawtucket Pat's Pawtucket Patriot Brewery in Quahog, Rhode Island. Thankfully and shockingly, John McCain was able to come up with a compromise that involved the media fawning over him.

And so the "Activists" and "Insurgents" at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, were transferred here, leaving the rest of Cuba to continue its role of "Supporting Accessory to Gulag of our Times".

As for the prisoners... well...

Let's just say that they had to be transferred again once the terrorists replaced Suicide bombings with "Blueberry-Flavored" Suicide Bombings. Of course - no one was killed. But a lot of Qu'rans (is that how that's spelt in plural?) got covered in blueberry ooze, causing the Loony Leftie wing of the Democratic Party (and everyone's favorite Specter not in jail, Arlen Specter) to campaign for the closing of "Camp Slick Willy". The name certainly didn't help.

After that?

They had two choices. They either had to fix all the plot holes in the six Star Wars movies before the uber-DVD release... OR they had to work in the UN building cleaning up Kofi's paper trail. Now THAT is torture!

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