Thursday, April 14, 2005

Rumsfeld In Afghanistan (PGH)

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I was bored. It was a Thursday afternoon and I had nothing to do. The precision guided humor assignment was late again, so I decided to turn on the television and flipped to Current. Al Gore was live, reporting something on the Google News program.

"The delegation to Afghanistan was supposed to consist of 'President' Bush, Kofi Annan, Jacques Chirac, and Condoleezza Rice. However, I, President Al Gore, have come up with a breaking exclusive - Donald Rumsfeld has snuck aboard and is planning to leave the group to strangle Afghani hippies protesting the Afghani government! I can't say why, seeing as they have enough Opium to last for decades, but they are - and Donald Rumsfeld is planning to strangle them!"

I laughed. "Yeah - not until I see video proof."

A still-motion photo popped up onto the television.
Image hosted by
Was that Donald Rumsfeld in drag?! (via Wizbang)

The Democrats' wild accusation were right for once - Donald Rumsfeld was in Afghanistan, and it couldn't have been for any non-murderous reasons.

The Next Day:

Four members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan had cornered an elderly woman who was not wearing a veil in public and decided to do away with her. What they didn't know would cost them their lives.

"What's your name, harlot?" asked one, probably named Ahmed.

"D-d-d-Donna, sir"... the woman said, trembling in fear. The insurgents/terrorists just laughed. "Bwa ha ha! Donna is no name for a woman. We shall give you BETTER name, but first you get one last chance to rename yourself before we proceed with the honor killing."

"My name is Ronald Dumsfeld, and you're going to DIE!" Rumsfeld tore off his wig and jumped for the first terrorist's neck, snapping it cleanly in two. He tripped the second man and crushed his trachea with his foot. The last two terrorists struck at the same time. Rumsfeld grabbed each of them by their necks and simultaneously strangled them. It was quite a sight.

Rumsfeld... er... Donna placed his/her wig back on and calmly left the building to go back onto the street. "She" sniffed the air. Hippies were afoot, and probably protesting. Donna put on her stranglin' gloves and went to look.

Sure enough, there they were outside of the Afghani capitol building chanting slogans like "No mud for oil!", "Jalaliburton!", "Kill the Jews!", "Weeeeeeeeeed!" and "Bush Is Hitler!" Rumsfeld wasn't sure whether they were actual Afghani protestors or just denizens of the Democratic Underground/Boston University, but he didn't care. Before Al Gore's TV cameras could even catch him in the act, all the hippies had been strangled, including one who had a brassiere tied around his throat with a card that read: "I'm Donna Rumsfeld. I strangled this man."

Gore looked into the sky and could not help but yell. "RUUUMMMMMSFELLLLLD!"

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