Saturday, April 02, 2005

Frank J, Sarah K, and the War on Terror - PGH

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I sat back in my reclining chair and turned on MSNBC, as any good patriot would. Imus was just finishing up. There was to be an announcement by President Bush concerning the war on terror any moment, and I wanted to live-blog it.

"My fellow 'Mericans" the President began. "We have a brand new weapon in the war on Terror. A way this war, and all future wars, will be fought. You see, two bloggers, Frank J, and SarahK, are gettin' murried. And they ain't gay, so don't worry. Unless Frank's a woman. Ah did catch him breast-feeding a cat once. But I'm pretty sure they're heter-hetro-hamster-not gay. Yeah. And they're our new weapon in the war on terror."

"Mister President", spoke up John Kerry, who had yet to sign his SF-180, "How can you insist on using two members of the common people who just happened to meet in the blogo-globe as a weapon in the war on terror?"

"First off, it's Blogo-sphurr", replied the President. Still wrong, but closer. "These two lovestruck weapons-happy bloggers will have the terrorists cowering in their spider holes."

Mohammed al-Q-something looked towards his "Insurgentmates". "This is bad news. They were tough enough to take on the Puppy Blender, AND competent enough to put up with Aquaman. Perhaps we should just put down our weapons and read the Qu'ran peacefully to ourselves like average American Muslims."

Abu Mazen al-T-something-else gave his comrade a stern glance and a butt to the back of his head with a rifle. "There will be no complacency within our ranks. We serve Allah, and Allah alone, with kickbacks to Cotecna, of course."

A loud chorus of "Cotecna Akhbar!" broke out. That was the last thing they were able to say, however, before a group of marines arrived at their location, quickly followed by SarahK and with FrankJ breast-feeding both cats simultaneously leading up the rear. The marines took out their standard-issue weaponry, and SarahK and FrankJ both pulled out their biggest guns as well. It was quite a sight for the terrorists to see Frank pull out his guns with the cats still attached, but he did it anyway, and proceeded to shoot six terrorists to death.

After about a 4-minute gun battle, all that were left were Mohammed Al-Q and Abu Mazen Al-T. Mohammed once again implored Abu Mazen to give up his terrorist ways. This time, Abu Mazen relented. "I won't have to like Jews, will I?"

One of the marines responded. "Only if you promise to become a college professor. Those guys can hate Jews all they want but we still can't do anything about them."

The first battle with FrankJ and SarahK was a success, and they weren't even married! This was going to change the way the US fought the war on terror, and in ways no one expected.

"Hmmm... so Frank J and SarahK are being used as weapons in the war on terror, whereas I'm sitting here blogging." mused Glenn Reynolds from his floating battlestation. He then had an idea. Glenn walked past the plush-chamber and past the dungeon and into the pilot's room. Apparently, Evil Glenn also had Stan Lee strapped to a chair and being forced to pilot the Evil Floating Battlestation! (just imagine his logo flying overhead)

"Fly to the Tora Bora region along the Afghanistan/Pakistan border. No questions, just do as I say. Frank J and SarahK cannot one-up me!" Stan Lee grudgingly began piloting in that direction. "Faster, Lee, or else you'll join this hobo in my Dead Pool!" With that, Evil Glenn snapped a hobo's neck and Stan Lee picked up the Floating Battlestation's pace.

The Floating Battlestation arrived over Tora Bora. Evil Glenn looked down at the mountains and caves and immediately knew where to go. "There. Osama is in that cave there. Pilot it over there." Glenn was now speaking to himself. "You know, Osama, you wander from place to place without a permanent home or a means of livelihood anymore. That makes you a hobo, and completely worth murdering." He moved over to his Insta-panel of Doom and opened up a small hatch, from which a red button emerged.

"Time to drop the Insta-Bomb" He smirked. He pressed the button, and a hatch opened underneath the battlestation, and a giant A-Bomb dropped out of it onto Tora Bora!"

Osama bin Laden's last words were "This was not the Instalanche I had in mind!" Then there was nothing.

My senses tingled, so I switched over to FoxNews just in time for a Breaking News bulletin. Osama bin Laden was killed by a mysterious floating battlestation?! WTF?

President Bush sat back in his chair and laughed. This was exactly what Chimpy the Shrub McBusHitler had in mind when he put the two together on his taskforce. He counted on the Insta-rage to boil over great enough to drop the Insta-bomb and make an Insta-Corpse out of Osama. And he got what he planned. Frank J and SarahK would have a bigger effect on the War on Terror than either of them would ever realize.

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