Saturday, April 09, 2005

Evil Glenn's Reality TV Show (A Filthy Lie)

(Part VII of the Evil Glenn Saga)

I was waiting by my mailbox all day for the assignment from either Harvey, or his now-paid sidekick GEBIV. It didn't come on Friday and it wasn't in by the time I went to bed Saturday afternoon. However, when I woke up this morning, it was there, lying on my front porch.

Now that the Mainstream Media is starting to accept the fact that bloggers are something that they will have to deal with as part of their day-to-day business, it won't be long before other television outlets decide to show how hip & with-it they are by embracing the blogging phenomenon.
For example, I heard a rumor that soon there will be a reality TV show featuring Glenn Reynolds.
Now, you know how I HATE unsubstantiated claims and cheap innuendo, *ahem* so your Filthy Lie Assignment this week is to utilize all your resources to get to the bottom of this story, and answer the question:
What will Evil Glenn's reality TV series be about?
What kind of Filthy Lie Assignment was this? Evil Glenn had already started up his own reality programming network to compete with Current! He had already hired Mark Burnett to cast two different "Survivor" shows, one starring hobos, and one starring puppies. The difference was that no one would survive those shows. He had also launched a competitor for the Contender, but in actuality, it was just him punching Frank J to the theme from Rocky. Then there was the reality TV show set in his rehab clinic. Couldn't forget about the one where he put eight guys and eight sex-starved supermodels in a house for a month, with the catch being that someone had a venereal disease. That was a sick one. Last but not least, there was also American Idol. I'm pretty sure that only Evil Glenn is evil enough to be the one responsible for this guy. I mean, what assignment did I actually have to do?

Of course, it was at that moment that GEBIV drove up in his jeep. "Glenn's coming up with a whole NEW reality show - something that no one has ever seen before, and it's YOUR job to find out what it is."

I cringed. "Does this mean I have to go to Evil Glenn's Floating Battlestation?"

"Yes. If you recall, it was last seen over Washington, D.C, and according to our radar, it's still there. Now go and hurry before he gets away. And bring Glizzenn with you. He makes me laugh." GEBIV sped off.

"Glizzenn, I don't know why you've decided to stay here, but get moving - there's an Evil Glenn plot to stop." He responded with a "This time, I'm really gonna bust a cap in his booty!" I cringed again.

Forty minutes later, Glizzenn and I had snuck into the Battlestation and were making our way through the ventilation shafts. I stopped when I heard Evil Glenn's voice. I checked the nearest grate, and there he was, talking to Tom DeLay over a puppy smoothie! I couldn't believe it!

"You know Tom - it's really funny how the 'Mainstream Media' - heh - jump all over you for scandals that aren't really scandals, but they don't actually get you for things that ARE scandalous, like our exploits of putting puppies in blenders and murdering hobos."

DeLay laughed. "Oh, I know. Now tell me - what is this NEW reality TV program you want me to finance? I hope it's as good as your Contender knock-off."

I was shocked. I would have informed the Los Angeles Times, but then I remembered the phrase "Mainstream Media". Glizzenn was about to say something, but I shut him up so I could hear what Evil Glenn was about to say.

"Alright - this new reality TV series is going to be a hit. Remember the movie Speed? Well, I say we make it real! Of course, the bus will be full of old people with dementia, just to heighten the drama."

DeLay looked at him. "Who's the bus driver?"

Evil Glenn laughed. "Heh heh. That's the best part - there IS no bus driver!" He laughed again. "Ted Kennedy gave me a great idea too - he said that there was a place in Massachusetts that would make a great stop for ANY automobile!"

DeLay laughed too. "It has Teddy's support? Well, this is a great bipartisan effort then. Just let me sign my name on the check - and here ya go. Two full seasons' worth. This'll really lighten the load on social security."

I stepped away from the grate and looked over to Glizzenn. Evil Glenn was planning to blow up busses full of elderly people, and if that failed, drive them into Chappaquiddick bay! This was terrible! Unexpectedly, a voice rang down from below. "By the way, I know you're up there Glizzenn, and you've got someone with you. I suppose now is not a good time to tell you that I'm filling the vents with poison gas as we speak." Blast that Evil Glenn!

Glizzenn and I quickly rushed to another grate and dropped down. Here we found Stan Lee strapped to the pilot's chair being forced to fly this monstrosity for Evil Glenn. We untied him and were on our way through the battlestation looking for a way out before Evil Glenn found us. Stan Lee got us lost, and the three of us ended up in Evil Glenn's dungeon. This was not going to be good.

A muffled voice cried out from one corner of the cell. It was my trusted reporter, Akatsuki, and she was not looking healthy. You'd think that Evil Glenn had withheld nourishment from her for two weeks. "Nah", I thought. "That wouldn't happen in America." I borrowed a "piece of bling" from Glizzenn and used it to cut the bars open. Handy, that bling. She was very gracious and then warned us of Evil Glenn's evil plot.

"He's planning ANOTHER reality television show! We have to stop him!"

"Relax" I said. "We know about the Chappaquiddick plan and we're going to stop him."

"No!" She cried. "He's planning another one! He's going to round up a bunch of children for his next reality show and send them to the Neverland Ranch!"

Stan Lee's eyes nearly burst out of their sockets. "What?! THAT'S ATROCIOUS! We need to stop this now!" Unfortunately, there were only four of us to stop both his plots, and one still too ill to help anyway. Glizzenn looked to Stan. "You get your homies, like the Hulk and Spiderman and their nizzles, and go to Neverland to stop that plot. The Babaganoosh and I will get this ho over to the hospital and then head out to Chappaquiddick to see if we can do anything."

First, I smacked Glizzenn for calling my reporter a "ho". Then I smacked him again. "The Hulk and Spiderman don't exist, nimrod!"

"Neither do Floating Battlestations, Instabombs, and Puppy Smoothies"

"Touché, Glizzenn. But still, I would rather deal with Michael Jackson than disarm a bomb on the underside of a bus moving at 60 miles an hour." A voice popped up behind me.

"That's 90 miles an hour." Evil Glenn stood in the doorway with Tom DeLay tied up in a chair behind him. He must have tricked DeLay somehow. Luckily, he wasn't incapacitated enough to knock his chair over, causing Evil Glenn to run back to the other room. The four of us quickly made an escape. I was sure we didn't have much time, but the Alliance had to be notified.

Back on Evil Glenn's battlestation, Tom DeLay was lowered into a pit where thousands of plush dolls lay with a now-insane Andrew Sullivan. Sullivan wasn't far gone enough though, as he immediately ripped into the "extremely unethical and homophobic" DeLay. Tommy Boy would regret the day he made a deal with Evil Glenn Reynolds.

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