Saturday, April 02, 2005

Evil Glenn - Substitute Teacher? (A Filthy Lie)

So I got word that my physics teacher was going to be absent on Tuesday. This was great! Now I didn't have to listen to his incoherent ramblings about his trip to Italy for another day! That was not to be the case, however. My joy was tempered when I walked into the classroom to discover none other than EVIL GLENN!

I tried to hide my identity, but he knew it was me. "Ah, well if it isn't the Babaganoosh. I'm surprised the university hasn't expelled you for being white and using a name like THAT yet. Then again, I'm surprised this university hasn't expelled ALL you dirty white folks."

The guy a row in front of me looked over. "Uh... aren't you white?"

"SILENCE!" Evil Glenn vaporized the student into nothingness with a flick of his wrist. I don't know why he didn't do that to everyone he opposed. Probably the law of Villain Incompetence.

Evil Glenn moved to the front of the class. "Now, I know your usual professor was teaching you about electricity, magnetics, and flux in his last lecture, but today we're going to go back to chapter 4 and discuss one-dimensional motion again. Take this hobo, for instance." He pointed to a hobo hanging 20 feet off the ground. "When I kick this board out from under this contraption, the hobo will fall to his death upon this sharp spear that I am currently impaling into the ground. This shows the law of gravity. Great friction between his body and the spear causes the slowdown between when he hits the spear, dies, and then slumps to the ground impaled. Just watch." He kicked the board, and the hobo died just as Glenn had planned it. Very bloodily. Approximately 20 percent of the class ran out of the room.

The next day I woke up late and rushed to Chemistry. I couldn't believe it. Evil Glenn! Once again, he had a hobo with him. I knew the results were NOT going to be pretty. "Now, class. Many of you still don't understand the effects of weak-acid equilibria. Watch as I throw this glass of hydrocyanic acid, a generally weak acid, into this hobo's eyes. About 14 peoples' jaws hit the ground simultaneously. Then he threw it. "OH MY GOD!" cried the hobo, covering his eyes.

Without even flinching, Evil Glenn pulled out a yellowish-green bottle. "And this is a strong acid, Hydrofluoric Acid. Watch." He threw that in the hobo's eyes, blinding him and dropping him to the floor, where Evil Glenn stabbed him repeatedly to end his misery. Seeing as I had biology at 9:00, and it was a 15 minute walk, I left chemistry at 8:40, 10 minutes before it ended.

At 8:56 I arrived in the biology building and walked up the flight of stairs to class. Awaiting me was none other than EVIL GLENN! "How in the world did you get here before me?" I asked. "What are you talking about? I've been here since 8 AM." Now I was thoroughly confused. "Now get in your seat before I murder you like the hobo you are."

In Biology, the hobo Evil Glenn brought fared no better. In this class he decided to show us how piranhas ate their food. It was VERY disturbing. I'll not go into it here. He continued the lesson by scratching his nails into the chalkboard, as I expected.

Suddenly, the side door opened and Glizzenn burst in! "Babaganizzle! Thank G to the O to the D almighty you are alright! That is NOT the real deal, holmes!" Thankfully, no one noticed this except me and four other people. I looked at him. "Please translate what you just said into American, or at least English English."

"That is not Glenn Reynolds. It is a member of his dark Nanobot Army consisting of billions of nanobots. Or should I say, NANOBAZIZZLES! Holmes, Evil Glennizzle has a Floating Battlesizzle the size of Vermont and it is heading this wizzle! He's gonna bust a cap in all our bootylicious selves!"

I looked out the door and saw it. A Floating Battlestation. Not the size of Vermont, but bigger than an airplane by a factor of around 12. Heading my way. Or... not, as it passed over my head due south... towards Washington DC! What's Evil Glenn up to now?

Glizzenn looked at me. "It doesn't matter what Evil Glenn is up to now." (That was incredibly creepy) "What mizatters is that he's got his e to the v to the i to the l clizzones substituting for teachers across colleges and universitizzles across the country and not even calling people Little Eichmizzles! The only one still here is that Arab Insurgent guy who hates Jews! Abu Mazen Al-T-sizzle or sumptin. Maybe he can help us."

I told him that Abu Mazen was not going to help us. Just then my chemistry teacher Evil Glenn and physics teacher Evil Glenn entered the room. It looked like a battle was about to commence.

Thankfully, a battle never did commence, as the Glenn robo-clones shorted out at the same time. Glizzen checked one and found the problem. "All outta da juice. Da PUPPY JUICE!" He pulled a bottle out of his pocket and drank from it. Eyew. These Glenn clones must have been a distraction as Mr. Reynolds went to Washington.

What is Evil Glenn up to now?

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