Saturday, April 16, 2005

Evil Glenn And Baseball, Part I (A Filthy Lie)

(Part VIII of the Evil Glenn Saga)

After the Hulk, Spiderman, Stan Lee, Glizzenn and I put an end to Evil Glenn's reality TV programming, we thought he would be out of our lives and back to tormenting bloggers who got more than 30 visits on an average day. Then again, any visit that wasn't his was enough to send Evil Glenn into a mad scramble. However, it had been a full six days since anything strange had occurred and a full two days since Rumsfeld's Afghani Massacre. I was due.

The Giants were playing the Rockies tonight, and once again moehawk had done the trash-talking, confident his Giants would defeat the 1-8 Rockies. I was more optimistic than that, though. Something was odd though. When it was time for the game to start, instead of zooming in on the field, the lot of us watching saw a close-up of a pair of eyes. That maddening look could only belong to one force. EVIL GLENN!

"I'm sure you all remember the XFL, my friends. It was well intentioned, but a financial disaster. I told Vince McMahon they should have used penguins as cheerleaders, but he would have none of it. So after watching him fall, I decided to start up my own baseball league, which you will be the first to watch. Congratulations."

The camera zoomed into the stadium. Vin Scully was stapled to an announce table and Jack Buck was as well. For some reason, college basketball announcer Dick Vitale was being used as a pinata. Evil Glenn sat down between the two commentators.

"The first game of today's doubleheader will be Jeff Jarvis versus a pack of rabid hyenas. Oh - wait... that's my plan for this evening. The first game today will be between the DNC Deaniacs and the DLC "We're Not Insane Like Those Nutjobs" Democrats. The second game of the doubleheader will be the little chocolate labs versus the golden retrievers, with the losing team getting blended. It's gonna be a great night of baseball."

I looked over at "my flat-mate" (Glizzenn's term) and cringed. Even though the Rockies wouldn't lose, this would still not be a pleasant sight to watch. But, as always with Evil Glenn, you knew things were going to get worse before they got better. The TV focused in on the batters' box, where Jonah Goldberg was practicing with a bucket of kittens! Frank J had been right all along! After watching a kitten sail over the fence, I decided that there would be no more of this. Glizzenn suggested sending a reporter to get a better scoop, but I was not going to waste seven more stories trying to rescue a co-worker. This was a job that only Glizzenn and I could accomplish - in fact, it was only a job Glizzenn could "accomplish", so I sent him off to Coors Field by himself.

*Two hours later*

It was the 13th inning, and the DNC was up on the DLC 6 to 1. Glenn didn't bother to mention how many innings there were to be in a game, but the DLC had runners on all four bases and Bill Clinton was up to bat. Dean threw the kitten and Clinton sent it sailing out of the park and into a pit of spikes just outside the stadium. The score was tied. I was beginning to think "Hey - this is pretty entertaining" when Glizzenn called.

"Hey, mah nizzle - what is it that you want me to do?"

I had completely forgotten what it was I wanted him to do. "Uh... um... just find a way to shut down this league once and for all!"

"But Babaganoosh! I don't even know where to - maybe I'll look in here. Turn on the lizzight and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Silence. "F***." I mumbled. It looked as though I would let Evil Glenn win this battle when I had a knock on my door. I got up to answer it.

"Hey! I fooled you, huh my homey?" Glizzenn asked. I was downright furious that he would pull that crap. For some reason, he had brought Vince McMahon with him, who seemed to have a grudge against Evil Glenn.

"That Evil Glenn bankrupted the XFL! Can you believe he wanted to replace the footballs with autistic children? Or that he wanted penguins as cheerleaders? Or that he wanted the halftime shows to be 30 minute segments of him going Heh? It was terrible! He ran my company into the ground, and I want revenge!"

This was getting to be TOO silly. I sent Glizzenn and Vince on their way and got around to falling asleep on the couch. When I woke up the next morning, quite the surprise was waiting for me. Glizzenn was scratching at my window.

"DUDE! THE AMERICAN LEAGUE HAS DEFECTED TO EVIL GLENN'S BASEBALL ASSOCIATION!"

I was sure he was joking until I saw it in the local paper. "Aw... f***"

To be continued....

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