Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Al Gore's TV Network

Welcome, any readers of Right Wing News. This is a Precision Guided Humor assignment. If you're unfamiliar with those, click here. If you are, then just sit back and relax.

I was bored. The WWE wasn't on tonight, so I decided to go channel surfing. About 3 minutes in, something caught my eye - a new network, called Current, showing a speech by Al Gore.

"Strange." I thought. "This is the last thing I would put on a network called 'Current'." But it would only get stranger. I turned the volume up and listened to what Mr. Gore had to say.

"And so, this network, with help from Google, will help Democrats make inroads with the coveted 21 to 30 demographic. We will begin soon airing user created programming, such as 'Democratic Underground Gone Wild' and 'Al Gore's greatest hits'. For the news, we'll bring you the nonpartisan Google News. Google News will allow our coveted demographic to stay in touch with Current events, hence our name, Current. Our name also comes from the rate at which electric charge flows through a surface. Get it? It's a play on words... heh heh."

I was about to fall asleep, and somehow, Gore sensed it. "All you viewers out there who're about to go to sleep, think again! All those programmes? That's just the 5 to 7 o' clock hours. Just wait until you see Former President Bill Clinton star in our remake of All My Children. It was HIS idea, Hillary. If you're looking for a substitute for Emeril, go no further than Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 350 cooking show. It's a great one."

"Of course, no network used to make inroads can be complete without a 9:30 airing of "Lies, Liars, Lying Llamas, and the Lie-loving Lie-machines that Lie Through Their- Okay, Franken? Why can't we just stick with your original book title?"

Al Franken piped up from the back of the room. "It didn't explain how liaresque the lying Liepublicans really are. Lie."

"Thank you." Gore brushed his tie out of the way. "Concluding our programming schedule will be nightly biopics of the Presidents of the United States who deserve them, such as President Clinton 1 and 2, President Roosevelt - well, at least the second one. President Kennedy, President Carter, and President Gore. We hope you enjoy the network, and I promise you, it will NOT be a live version of Air America. That's what MSNBC is for."

After watching that, I suddenly had the urge to burn my television.

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