Thursday, March 17, 2005

North Korea's Grievances - A Precision Guided Humor Assignment

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
(An INCREDIBLY gratuituous over-use of links post)

Due to blogger bugginess, this post was accidentally posted when it was around 5 to 10% complete. Ignore this post for now. It's going to be updated.

Harvey of the Alliance has commanded us to set our sights upon a foe other than Evil Glenn this time around.

Why is North Korea so grumpy?

Well, I do believe that my wonderful agents/multiple personalities have been able to dig up a few things that could be bothering the Totalitarian Police State as of lately.

1. Go here. Look whose name appears under the title. They don't like that.
2. That whole "outpost of tyranny" escapade.
3. That South Korea was not united with the North under Communism after 1953.
4. That South Korea got to host the World Cup in 2002.
5. Kim Jong Il lost a $15,000 bet on the first Survivor...
6. ...and another $30,000 on the first winners of American Idol (yecch)...
7. and then somehow LOST on his own version of North Korean Idol!
8. Michael Moore once tried to eat the country because he thought "DPRK" was pronounced "Da Pork". This resulted in Kim Il Sung's death in 1994.
9. Jealous that Evil Glenn wouldn't post any pictures of North Korean Protest Babes. Indeed.
10. Were never tortured at Abu Ghraib by women's undergarments.
11. Were upset that the flattering article about them didn't occur in a major newspaper.
12. Have never been misquoted or pseudoepigraphized by anyone named "Yong Tang"
13. Kim Jong Il lost in a hair vs. hair match against Jesse the Body Ventura in 1981.
14. US is stonewalling investigation into strangled diplomat.
15. Upset that US used a North Korean nuke on Antarctica.
16. Bill Clinton's selection of Monica was an insult to emaciated North Korean women everywhere.
17. The US keeps electing Jews to public office.
18. That whole "Capitalism" thing. Kim is not a fan.
19. Mysterious drop in all things puppy since DPRK-instapundit showed up on the scene.
20. Kofi Annan once mailed them a stern warning, but missed a key on his computer and spelled "DPRK" as "DORK". Kim was not amused.
21. Dick Vitale won't stop talking about "The Dukies!"
22. Robert Blake never asked any Koreans to kill his wife.
23. Michael Jackson once molested every single child in North Korea, leading to the current state of affairs.
24. BUSH LIED! PEOPLE DIED!
25. HALLIBURTON!
26. Can't believe that Brit Hume has yet to resign.
27. Were promised pics of JEFF GANNON TRUTH GOODNESS, yet received nothing.
28. The "Axis of Evil" Speech
29. The Red Sox won the world series. Made me pretty miffed too.
30. Bobby Lee's portrayal of him on MADtv left much to be desired. Firstly, Bobby wasn't b@t$#!t insane enough.
31. Kim's tired of that whole "Dissent is Patriotic" meme.
32. He's sick and tired of countless spam on his blog.
33. Is sick of hearing people STILL using the phrase "All your base are belong to us"
34. Bilateral Talks replaced with Unilateral Invasion
35. A monkey killed Kim's family.
36. North Koreans are upset that the rest of the world has food.
37. Still miffed over the moon landing. C'mon! It was 35 years ago!
38. Creation of Israel? They're still bitter. Well, those who can read a map, anyway.
39. The US HAS STILL NOT SIGNED THE KYOTO PROTOCOL!
40. The US is acting way too Heteronormative.
43. Found out he wasn't on the phone book of Paris Hilton
44. North Koreans are still stuck playing Sega Genesis consoles.
45. Uh... the South has a much higher standard of living than the North does.
46. Can't even get smeared by FrontPage anymore.
47. Frank J. peed on all of their cats' heads.
48. Aquaman couldn't save them from any ACTUAL trouble.
49. Got confused with Vietnam one too many times.
50. North Koreans still upset that they got the part of the country bordering Russia
51. Someone once compared Kim's hair to a merkin. (I hope the blogosphere doesn't eat me alive for that one)
52. It's that time of the month. What? They need an excuse for each week of the year?

Oh... wait. I guess they do.

Update: Because I can:
53: There's no such thing as North Korea. Karl Rove created it in an attempt to bolster the Neo/Theo-Cons scare tactics platform so they could elect Chimpy The Shrub McChurchyBusHitler.
54: Justice Kennedy found that they had a right to be grumpy while perusing the Constitution and comparing it with foreign documents.
55: They got confused for North Carolina too. (sorry, Ogre ^_^)
56: Because Stone Cold Said So. (That's almost a decade old reference now - wow.)

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