Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Future Decisions of the Supreme Court

The Supreme Court has been making some rather asinine decisions as of late (not as many as the 9th circuit court of appeals, but a few). Most recently was the repeal of Capital Punishment for 72 convicted felons, who were all between the ages of 16 and 17 at the time they committed their crimes. Next will most likely be the case of Kelo v. New London, which could theoretically eliminate the true meaning of Private property. What cases would the Supreme Court decide wrong after that? Let's take a look.

ACLU v. United States - The SCOTUS decides that all references to Christianity in the entire United States constitutes a violation of the establishment clause (it doesn't). Los Angeles, Sacramento, and every city with "San" in the beginning of it are forced to change their names. For some reason, Boston also changes its name... to "Yankees Suck".

Frank J. v. Evil Dark Lord Glenn - The SCOTUS, after eliminating Christianity from the United States, actually does violate the establishment clause by establishing the First Church of Glenn as the official religion of the United States. A civil war quickly ensues between two rival factions, the Heh-ites and the Indeedists.

MSNBC v. Murdoch - The SCOTUS decides that in lieu of the fact that income redistribution is disallowed, viewer redistribution is the next best solution. Fox News is forced to give 117 percent of its viewers to MSNBC in order to even the ratings between Fox News, CNN, CBS, NBC, ABC, MSNBC, and Al-Jazeera. Wuzzadem nearly wets himself at the prospects of another Chris Matthews show.

Franken v. Horowitz - The SCOTUS votes 6-3 in favor of Al Franken, and sentences David Horowitz to 20 more years of being a leftist. Not satisfied with this result, Horowitz has the staff of Frontpage launch him out of a cannon into the sea.

Lieberman v. Clinton I - The SCOTUS, after hearing an appeal from Senator Clinton, sides with her and forces Joe Lieberman to finally join the Republican Party or leave politics. Instead, Lieberman joins the Libertarian party, which doesn't want him either.

Lieberman v. Clinton II - The SCOTUS once again rules against Joseph Lieberman (D-CT), when he attempts to bring a sexual harrassment charge against Bill Clinton. The majority ruling basically states that any harrassment is okay, as long as the victim is "Just a Jooooooo."

Frist v. Byrd - The SCOTUS votes 7-2 to make the "Nuclear Option" illegal. Byrd (D-WV, GK-KKK) and company continue to filibuster all sorts of judicial nominations. This really doesn't have any effect on the constitution.

Planned Parenthood v. Jesus - The SCOTUS does not overturn Roe v. Wade in this legal thriller certain to be made in a movie. Planned Parenthood explains that the 26 million abortions performed since Roe* have prevented at least 26 milion new Hitlers from being born. Jesus attempts to explain that every life is sacred, but when the word "sacred" is uttered in the halls of the court, the justices immediately recognize the Christian aspect of his testimony and throw the case out and then try him for not being an "Evil Glennist." He is convicted and given the Death Penalty.

United States v. Murderer of 714 people - In what has become commonplace for the SCOTUS, an "evolved" reading of the constitution is used to declare the Death Penalty itself a violation of the 8th and 16th amendments. No one can figure out why it is a violation of the 16th amendment, but nevertheless, Jesus' sentence is commuted to life in prison without the possibility of parole. That's a long time to wait behind bars.

Bush v. History Textbooks - George W. Bush sues the makers of several history textbooks which claim that he was worse than Hitler. Helen Thomas, now 419 years old, testifies on behalf of the textbook companies, claiming that "Hitler was democratically elected", and only killed "Jews, not innocent Iraqi children." Naturally, the Supreme Court finds in favor of the textbooks, and forces George W. Bush to legally change his name to "Chimpy The Shrub McHitlerburton".

Johnson v. Kennedy - In what is hailed as a landmark decision by the Democratic Party and the Green Party, the SCOTUS votes 5-4 to condemn Capitalism as illegal and immoral. A socialist system is immediately put into practice in the United States, which eventually causes the downfall of the Supreme Court as it hears one final case before it closes its doors for good.

Wisconsin v. Michigan - Wisconsin notes that the oddly shaped area of land belonging to Michigan actually connects to Wisconsin, and thus claims it for themselves. The SCOTUS vote 5-4 again to give the land to Wisconsin, thus erasing all mentions of a Union from the United States and gives the 50 states unlimited sovereignity. This causes a massive war in which only New York, Hawaii and Montana remain as states, with Connecticut as a protectorate of New York. Montana exists as an autonomous body solely because New York forgets it exists. Alaska is sold back to Russia. New York, then laying claim to 93 percent of the US, abolishes the SCOTUS and sets up the SCOTNY and the SCOTSMAN. No one knows what the abbreviation SCOTSMAN stands for, but it sure is funny.

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