Saturday, March 12, 2005

Celebrity Jeopardy! Episode 2

Alex Trebek: Alright, it's time for another episode of Celebrity Jeopardy!

Crowd: *applause*

Trebek: Thankfully for our audience, the winner of game 1, Howard Dean, will not be making his appearance again until Game 4. Today, however, we have three Republicans vying for the title. If those of you in Hollywood can't remember what a Republican is, they're also known as racist, sexist, homophobic, poor-hating, greedy reThuglican Rovian Zionist evil nazi halliburtonesque Chimp-support- hey - who put this on the teleprompter? Hinchey? What the hell are you still doing here?

Hinchey: I'm here to find out the truth!

Trebek: ...Anyway, let's shed some light on our three Republicontestants. The first contestant is none other than President Bush himself!

Hinchey: Chimpy The Shrub McHitlerBurton! I knew it! You gave TREBEK a press pass too?

Trebek: Will security please escort this man out?

Bush: Heh... he doesn't even know half of the conspiracy yet.

Trebek: Our second contestant is self-proclaimed "Super Right-Wing Conservative" John McCain. John, welcome to the show.

McCain: Always a pleasure to be here Alex. Almost as much as it is a pleasure to silence bloggers. Now THERE's a bipartisan operation.

Trebek: Whatever. Our final contestant today is noted GOPper Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut. Joe, how're you doing?

Lieberman: Um... I don't know what I'm doing here - you see - I'm a Democrat.

Trebek: Are you sure about that?

Lieberman: Well, yeah. Seeing as I ran on the vice-presidential ticket AGAINST George over there in 2000 and campaigned for the Democratic Presidential nomination in 2004, I'm pretty sure I'm a Democrat.

Trebek: What do you say to this revelation, Mr. President?

Bush: I say Joey's done a great job towing the party line.

Lieberman: I'm not even in your party! Hey - are you even listening? Are you even AWAKE?!

Trebek: Zzzzz... oh... what were you saying Mr. Lieberman? Oh, nevermind. Let's just get to the categories. They are; 'Conservative Views', 'The Blogosphere'...

McCain: ...after me and Feingold get through with them, they'll surrender so fast as to be known as the Frogosphere...

Trebek: Please be silent until I finish reading the categories. The four remaining categories are... 'Former Presidents', 'North or South', 'State Capitals', and 'Famous Senate Klansmen'. I should tell you that 'Famous Senate Klansman' is one of our infamous categories in which every answer is the same. In this case, the answer is "Who is Senator Robert Byrd." Now that I've given you the answer, you can't get that one wrong.

Bush: I'll take "Bomb Iraq" for 87 billion...

Trebek: Let's just pretend you didn't say that and go with "Former Presidents" for 100. "This man was Ronald Reagan's vice president, and the 41st president of the United States. President Bush, you should probably know this one, as he is your father".

Bush: ...

Lieberman: *sigh* Who is George Bush senior?

Trebek: That's correct, Joe! You sure seem to be good with the history of the GOP.

Lieberman: It was twelve years ago! I defeated the guy's father to win my senate seat!

Trebek: Nevertheless, Senator Lieberman, you have control of the board.

Lieberman: I'll take Conservative Views for 200. And I won't get it right.

Trebek: Alright, Conservative views for-

McCain: Abortion on demand! Big government! Minimum income! Separation of Church and State! Marraige for Gays! 195 other things!

Trebek: No - Senator McCain, you don't have to NAME 200 views conservatives hold, you just have to... wait... conservatives don't even believe any of the things you just said regardless!

McCain: I'm conservative, I believe in them.

Lieberman: That's too Democratic-Partylike even for ME.

Bush: That's because you're a Republican... heh heh.

Trebek: Let's just go to Famous Senate Klansmen for 100. Alright. I already told you the answer, you just have to repeat it. What the?

Bush: Gaaaaak! Gurk! Help! Ah'm... chokin... cough! COFF! GAK!

McCain: *gives him Heimlich* What the? Were you eating pretzels AGAIN?

Bush: *holding pretzel* Um... no. What makes you think that?

Trebek: I think we're just gonna cancel the show tonight. Cut the film.

Lieberman: Did you see that? He left without even saying goodbye! What a rude man he is. I'm so mad that I could vote cloture on the bankruptcy bill right now!

Dean: YEEAARGH! *busts through wall*

Bush: Aw, crap - what's he doing here?

Dean: I hate ReThuglicans and EVERYTHING THEY STAND FOR! *grabs Lieberman*

Lieberman: I'm not a Republican! Dammit! Why does everyone think I'm a Republican?! I beat George Bush's grandfather, for crying out loud!

Bush: Hey, Alex - I'll take North or South for 300. I'm going with the North. I think they can win the Civil War... Alex? Alex? Aw, crap. Alberto, you didn't send Alex to Guantanamo, didja? Alberto? Alberto? YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Bush: *wakes up* Dern. I thought I was on the telly-vision. I wish I could be on television. If only I had beaten President Gore... President... Gore? YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Bush: *wakes up* Dern. *looks over in Laura's direction* Andrew Sullivan? YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Bush: *still there* What in the? LAURRRR-RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAA! *runs out of room screaming*

Jenna *coming from behind dresser*: Did he fall for it?

Laura *taking off AS mask*: Sure sounds like it

Barbara: I think he just gave Mr. Cheney another heart attack...

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