Sunday, February 27, 2005

Evil Glenn's Rehab Clinic... of DOOM (A Filthy Lie)

My first ever entry into the Filthy Lies realm.
This week's assignment, courtesy of The Alliance:

Recent Googling indicates that Reynolds has opened a Rehab Clinic, but details are sketchy.

Details are sketchy no longer, as I have uncovered the terrifying truth.

Tokyo, Japan - "This is Akatsuki Funiwada reporting live from inside Evil Glenn's Japanese rehab clinic for Drug Abusers and Societal Malcontents. This is Glenn... er, excuse me, EVIL Glenn's noted Rehabilitation Center. But is that what it really does?"

University of Maryland, College Park- "Akatsuki", I start. "You don't really think that Evil Glenn is using his rehabilitation center for the sole purpose of rounding up the hobos of society just so he can murder them at a pace thought impossible only one year before, do you?"

University of Tennessee - Evil Glenn rubbed his chin while watching his monitors. "You know," he said to no one in particular, "I was going to just eliminate this Mitsurugi Babaganoosh group, but if they come up with another idea as brilliant as that, I may just have to add him to my empire - to sacrifice to my dark communist give-me-the-ability-to-go-Frank-punching Lord later, anyway." A pause. He looked into a non-existent camera. "What are you waiting for? ...Oh, right. Indeed."

Tokyo - "It's even worse than that, MB. Sure, he's getting these drug addicts and booze-hounds undrugged and unbamboozled, but it's what he's doing with them AFTER that which has me up in arms."

UMCP - "Will you just get on with it already, Akatsuki? I could be blogging about Bratislava or a different foreign city that I could probably spell wrong! Please tell me this is big news."

Tokyo - "Well, you see - he's warping their minds with our children's anime! They've gone from being drunk to speaking really fast and doing stereotypical offensive "martial arts" and stealing cute cuddly plushy things! I'm not surprised to hear myself say this, but Evil Glenn is using the rehabilitation center to turn these people into his mindless slaves!"

UMCP - All of a sudden, everything clicked. Through a network of myriad possibilities, I had determined the True, EVIL purpose of the rehab center - to put the world's supply of cute, cuddly, plushy things all into the possession of one Glenn Reynolds. First it would be the teddy bears. Then it would be the beanie babies. Then it would be the giant stuffed animals that you win in carnivals. It could even be Andrew Sullivan after that! Well, okay, probably not, but knowing Evil Glenn, one can never be too sure...

"Akatsuki!" I yelled (a little too loudly) into the headset. "I want you to go downstairs and see if there's anything else you can find out about this 'Rehabilitation Center' of pure evil!"

Then all the sounds from my headset went off.

University of Tennessee - A truck pulled up to the building housing the office/secret underground lab of Evil Glenn. It backed up next to a seemingly innocuous chute, which proceeded to open. The truck then poured its contents down the chute - and it was full of the plushy stuff. As it fell down into Glenn's lair, he could only help but laugh.

Then the door opened, and Andrew Sullivan entered Glenn's office. "You said you wanted to see me about WHAT crisis involving the Log Cabin republicans? What the? What's going on here?"

As a crane picked up Sullivan and dropped him into Glenn's pit of myriad dolls and plush, Evil Glenn could only help but laugh even harder.

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