Friday, February 25, 2005

Celebrity Jeopardy! Episode 1

Alex Trebek walked to the stage with his notecards in hand. He thought the three contestants looked a tad familiar, but would never have guessed that today's show would turn out something like that of the SNL fame.

"Well, we've got three new contestants today on Celebrity Jeopardy, and all three of them have political clout. Our first contestant is Howard, of Vermont. Howard, tell us a bit about yourself."

"Alex, I hate Republicans and everything they stand for." Howard Dean said this to a large round of applause.

"Is there anything else you'd like to tell us about yourself?"

Dean scanned the audience. "Alex, I'd like to congratulate you for bringing this many minorities into the audience. I bet a Jeopardy! cast full of GOP power-brokers couldn't get as many minorities in here unless they invited the hotel staff."

Alex backed up a couple steps, hopeful that none of that was actually filmed. He sauntered over to the second contestant.

"This is Maurice, out of New York. Maurice, tell the audience a little bit about YOURself."

"Well, Alex, my name is Maurice Hinchey, and I'm a legislator out of New York state. Before I say anything else though, I'd like to say that the answer to Final Jeopardy! is Karl Rove."

"Excuse me?"

"I said Karl Rove did it! I don't have any proof, per se, but I have that feeling."

"O...kay. I'm going to check in with our third contestant now. Anything you'd like to tell us that the audience at home would find interesting?"

"Alex, my name is Dan. I held a steady job for 30+ years until a group of salivating lynch-mobbers took me out because they couldn't handle the truth."

Trebek was already thinking about calling it a night, but no. He checked his watch. Twenty-six minutes more of this, and he was free. First, though, he had to get through the opening round of Jeopardy!

"Alright. Let's see what the categories are." He moved slowly from the left side of the board to the right, making sure the three moonbats understood him. "We have "Past Presidents", "Current Affairs" -

Hinchey rang his buzzer. "Jeff Gannon and President Bush! I KNOW IT!"

Trebek looked at him with an extremely puzzled expression. "It's not time yet, Congressman. I ask that you refrain from ringing the buzzer until I actually READ a question. Now, as I was saying. The last four categories are: "Columnists", "Blogs", "Evil Glenn", and "The Number Seven." As is usually the case, the answers to the last category are all 7. Howard, you have control of the board."

Dean eyed the categories suspiciously before finally declaring his choice. "I'm going to go with Past Presidents for 100, Alex. Except I'm taking it for 0 dollars, because capitalism is evil."

"Alright. For 100 dollars,"

"Ahem"

"For 0 dollars, which president recently had a nuclear attack submarine named after him?"

Dan Rather hit his buzzer. "Who is the late great Jimmy Carter?"

Somewhere in the audience, Charles Johnson laughed.

Alex straightened his tie. "Even though technically, he's not dead, the judges say we can give you the question anyway. So you're in the lead with - never mind, you still have nothing thanks to Howard. But now you have control of the board."

Rather shuffled behind his podium. "What do you mean he's not dead? My documents here seem to say otherwise, though I do get that you don't wanna believe that he is. I can't believe it myself. When I heard it, my mood was lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut."

Alex seemed to be running out of patience already. "Just pick a category!"

"I'll take "The Number Seven" for 300."

Deep down, Alex Trebek knew that none of these three contestants would manage the right answer for this question. It just wasn't meant to be. Then he got an idea. "Alright. Take the number of WMDs found in Iraq to date, and add seven. Would someone please give me the answer?"

Dean was first. Trebek figured he had picked something that Dean could not possibly miss. He was to be denied this joy, however, by a technicality. "What is eight?"

"Eight? How in the world did you figure eight? The category is the number seven!"

"Well, I took 7 to start with, and then added the Weapon of Mass Destruction that is Republican/American Hegemony!"

Trebek smacked his forehead. He didn't want to have to move into Final Jeopardy! just yet, so he decided to pick a category himself. "You know what? We're just going to "Evil Glenn" for 500. That's 500 dollars, Mr. Dean, whether or not you like it. In fact, let's just assume that I'm redistributing 500 dollars from me to you. That way, you can take it and actually give it to the charity of your choice."

Hinchey grimaced. "Dean is nothing more than a Rove plant. His "charity" is probably just paying for Michael Moore's food budget. Moore's another Rove plant. That guy has so many plants, he's like a greenhouse. In that vein, did I mention that Karl Rove is responsible for the Greenhouse effect AND for that matter, Global WarmingTM? On top of that, it was Jeff Gannon who then seduced Rove and convinced him to tell Chimpy McBusHitler not to sign the Kyoto Protocol!"

Dan Rather looked up from his documents. "My unimpeachable sources can prove that."

Trebek contemplated putting a gun to his head, but decided to do plan B and actually ask the question.

"Alright. For 500 dollars, would someone please tell me who runs the conservative side of the Blogosphere? As a hint, look at the name of the category."

Hinchey rang first. Trebek suspected the worst, and got it. "What is the Democratic Underground?" Hinchey enquired.

"No. While the Democratic Underground is an interesting read, I believe they would most decidedly take offense at being labeled conservative, Congressman. I would also like to point out that technically, it is not a blog."

"Are you kidding? They run the entire right-wing side of the internet! You see these facts about Rove and Gannon and Bush, and those people at DU aren't talking about them enough! It's some sort of coverup!" Hinchey followed this by actually taking a breath and allowing the anger to leave his face.

Rather was next to buzz in. "Who is Frank J?" Trebek just ignored him and moved onto Howard Dean.

"I couldn't tell you. Like I said, I hate Republicans and everything they stand for."

"I said conservative, not Republican, chairman Dean."

"Same diff- hey, I like that. 'Chairman Dean.' I've heard it somewhere before, but I still like it. I also like 'Mean Dean', but you probably never watched mid 80's WWF/WWE wrestling. That's where I learned most of my fighting skills."

Trebek went back to Plan A1: Final Jeopardy! "Let's just move onto 'Final Jeopardy!', where the category is "The Supreme Court."

A minute elapsed. "Alright - now here's the question: George Bush is trying to eventually move the supreme court to the right to possibly overturn this earlier ruling."

Another minute elapsed. "Alright, it's time to see your answers. First up is you, Mr. Rather. Let's see what you have."

It was a picture. "A man riding on a horse into the sunset. Rather apt, but not the correct answer. I'll donate 100 dollars to your favorite charity out of spite, just because it seems that you don't want to. Next up is."

Dean had re-written his nametag. "Chairman Mao-ward Dean. I don't know what to make of this, but let's see what you wrote. You wrote "Yeargh!"

Dean leapt on top of the podium. "No! It's like this! YEEEARRRRGH!" He then proceeded to run through the entire audience and plowed through an entire section of schoolchildren before busting a hole through the set and exiting.

"Last would be you, Congressman Hinchey. Let's see what you wrote."

The Constitution. "The Constitution? Care to explain yourself for our judges?"

Once again, Trebek had given Hinchey the forum he needed. Once again, it was too late before he realized it. "Well, you've seen what's happened with William Rehnquist. Bush poisoned him to make the job easier. He's going to do this to all four of the 70-year old justices, before replacing them with his right-wing Theocons! I have no proof, but I have a good feeling that his first move will make 13-year old Clarence Thomas the chief justice, followed by the appointments of John Ashcroft, Karl Rove, Jeff Gannon and James Guckert!"

"But Jeff Gannon and James Guckert are..."

"Quiet! That's what Rove WANTS you to think! There's two of them out there, I tell you!"

Alex Trebek looked Hinchey in the eyes and then determined that there would never be another episode of Celebrity Jeopardy! again.

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